September 10, 2009

Breaking News: Bob McDonnell Recants

News Alert: Virginia Republican Gubernatorial Candidate Bob McDonnell today released the following statement in response to continued criticism rising out of a Washington Post report on his 1989 thesis that insisted that government should promote marriage over "cohabitators, homosexuals or fornicators” and termed women working outside the home “detrimental:”

“I know that the sentiments and language expressed in my 1989 thesis are offensive to many voters, and I want to let the people of Virginia know that I was wrong on all counts.

“I actually think Virginia needs more fornicators. The more the merrier. Well, maybe not so merry, if research about young women who are part of the hookup culture being prone to depression and gaining less satisfaction out of future relationships is to be believed. But there’s always the genital warts and the roughly half of college-age women already infected with human papillomavirus. They provide good business for the pharmaceutical companies doing business in our state, especially the ones producing that HPV vaccine we’ve mandated for pre-teens. And you know, I’m the jobs candidate.

“The other plus of more fornication is more single moms. I know I was tough on them in my thesis, but I was wrong about that as well. Yes, single motherhood is the greatest predictor of poverty and homelessness, not to mention crime and juvenile delinquency, dropouts, suicides, runaways, sexual promiscuity, obesity, drug abuse and divorce in its offspring. But all that means more government programs and prisons, and that adds up to more jobs as well. Single parenthood is great for Virginia!

“I know that voters in our Commonwealth turned out overwhelmingly to ban gay marriage and to bar those ‘cohabitators’ from enjoying the benefits of married couples. But they were wrong too, and I’m not afraid to tell them so. So what if studies continue to show cohabitation to be a factor in later marriage breakups, and the state has a clear interest in addressing the health and psychological pathologies associated with homosexuality? It’s all about showing moderation and sensitivity to hold on to the vote among women and in Northern Virginia – they count for more than the 60 percent of Virginians who backed the Marriage Amendment, right?

“And speaking of sensitivity – I know I was way off base in my comments about women in the workforce. Those pesky social scientists are also out there producing findings that kids do better when they stay with their mothers longer – especially boys. Yes, they’ve also found that even teens have fewer social and academic problems when there’s a mom waiting for them at home, or even when families have the time to eat dinner together. And I know that researchers show many moms, even professionals, would be prefer to be at home with their kids while they are growing up.

“But I’m with those feminists who insist that women shouldn’t let having and raising kids hold them back from their careers. In fact, what I really think is that men should be the ones home raising those kids. We men should be at home, barefoot (I haven’t yet figured out how to have us be pregnant) and chained to the bed with a chain long enough to reach the kitchen. (That wasn’t over the top, was it? We really need that working women’s vote.)

“And to show I’m putting my money where my mouth is, I’m hereby withdrawing from the governor’s race. In between raising my last two boys, I’ll be joining a new Sensitivity Section at the Washington Post devoted to investigating and exposing anachronistic conservative social views and anything else vaguely Republican.

“Meanwhile, to take my place at the top of the ticket, allow me to introduce a candidate who exemplifies all the views I have expressed today and which we clearly share with the people of Virginia – and whose name differs from mine by only one small syllable: Rosie O’Donnell!”