September 8, 2009

Kids: Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, But What You Can Do for Obama

News flash: President Barack Obama schedules an address to school classrooms nationwide. An activity guide distributed by the Department of Education suggests that teachers prepare schoolchildren for the speech by having them study Obama quotes, and during the talk, have students ask themselves, “What specific job is (the president) asking me to do?”

In addition, students could be encouraged to “write letters to themselves about what they can do to help the president. These would be collected and redistributed at an appropriate later date by the teacher to make students accountable to their goals.” They could also “interview and share about their goals with one another (sic) to create a supportive community” and “write about their goals in a variety of genres, i.e. poems, songs, personal essays . . .”

“Calling the Hicksville Obama Supportive Community – formerly known as the third grade – to order. Let’s begin our meeting by joining in the Community Song we created together. Hands over hearts, please.”

“Putting aside all fun and play

We help our president each day.

Following his words sublime

We’ll change the world, one job at a time.”

“Does anyone want to give a report on the specific jobs you have done to help the president? Remember, I have the letters you all signed, and I’m holding you accountable.”

“Oh, Community Leader, Community Leader! Pick me, pick me!”

“Yes, Cadet Cheyenne. You may report.”

“I went door-to-door in my neighborhood distributing literature to convince the evil-mongers to support the President health care reform proposal.”

“Very good, Cadet Cheyenne.”

“Ms. Community Leader?”

“Yes, Cadet Cheyenne.”

“What’s an evil-monger?”

“Cadet Cheyenne, you’ll find it in your copy of the Little Red Book of Obama, Nancy and Harry Sayings, just after the entry on ‘Smelly Tourists.’ Yes, Cadet Isaiah.”

“I told my parents that if they didn’t trade in our gas-guzzling, planet-destroying SUV for a green, efficient hybrid, I would hold my breath until my face turns blue. There’s no place for my littlest brother to ride, but we’re helping save the planet.”

“Excellent, Cadet Isaiah. Indeed, sometimes sacrifices must be made for the sake of Mother Earth. Your turn, Cadet Kayla.”

“I planted an organic victory garden just like Mrs. Obama.”

“Just as Mrs. Obama, dear.”

“Yes, Community Leader. Anyway, it’s right next to the fertilizer storage area on our farm.”

“Inspiring. Cadet Tiffany?”

“I turned my parents in to the White House communications office. They’re not only part of those angry, Astroturf mobs who brought protest signs and yelled at congressmen at town halls, I hacked into their accounts and discovered ‘fishy’ e-mails they have forwarded about the president’s programs.”

“You did the right thing, Cadet Tiffany. As the Department of Education guidelines tell us, we must listen to our president and our other elected officials.”

“I do miss my Mommy and Daddy, though.”

“Miss Jones . . . I mean, Ms. Community Leader.”

“Yes, Cadet Zachary.”

“Are we going to do any schoolwork anymore? Reading or writing or arithmetic?”

“Of course. Today, we’ll be studying, memorizing and reciting famous quotations by the president, and writing poems and personal essays on how we will live them out in pursuing our own individual goals. After that, we’ll be calculating our school’s carbon footprint and our individual shares of the national debt. And then we’ll watch some educational films, beginning with An Inconvenient Truth and Fahrenheit 9-11. First, though, inspired by the president’s call to action, let’s recite together our Supportive Community motto.”

“Yes, we will!”