September 1, 2009

Cash for Clunkers? Funds for Fridges? Just the Start!

“So congratulations. Cash for Clunkers has proved a smash hit with the public. Participation has hugely succeeded expectations.”

“You betcha. It may not really have done anything to prime the economic pump – after all, it’s probably just accelerating planned purchases. And there is the little embarrassment of practically driving dealers into bankruptcy with all the red tape and slow-rolling on payment. But we’ve certainly discovered the value of buying off people who would tend to be opposed to our philosophy of government.”

“No question about it. Nothing like a $4,500 check to melt away the public’s concerns about $9 trillion in deficit spending over the next decade, the feds taking over car companies and pushy liberals wanting to run every aspect of people’s lives.”

“That’s why we’re following it right up with Funds for Fridges. We want to get Americans hooked on the concept of our purchasing the affection of as many voters as possible.”

“So can you think of any more?”

“Way ahead of you, pardner. We’re all set to roll out Pork for Pork . . . “

“Pork for Pork?”

“Yep. The meat’s too fatty, don’t want to be promoting obesity. And producing hogs is outrageously polluting . . . all that corn feed, manure and runoff, you know. Not to mention we want to lock up the farm states. Plus the title buys into current congressional branding and flips the negative connotation to our advantage. It’s an old PR trick.”

“Excellent notion. What else you got?”

“Bucks for Brats. We’ll get rid of all those excess children and their nasty carbon footprints. Who wants all those noisy, inconvenient rug rats anyway? It’ll be way less controversial than cap and trade. We’re especially targeting those fertile little Mormons and fundies. That way we also make sure there are fewer conservative votes in the next generation.”

“Brilliant. What’s next?”

“You’ll love this one: Riches for Radios.”

“Trade old radios for credit toward new ones? I don’t get it. What’s the payoff there?”

“The new receivers won’t tune in to Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck or Michael Savage. Who needs all the fuss of overturning the Fairness Doctrine?”

“I’m speechless. You’ve thought of just about everything.”

“You haven’t even heard the best one of all.”

“I’m all ears.”

“Hard Cash for Health Care. Things are getting ugly out there. So we’ll quiet down all the protests by buying off the rich and old folks, paying them huge bonuses to trade their current health insurance plans for the public option and Medicare Advantage for the generic version. When we’ve reeled enough in to lifetime contracts, then we can lower the boom with single-payer and hit them with the real costs and rationing.”

“Inspired. But aren’t you worried about conservatives fighting all these giveaway programs?”

“No, we already have a trade-in initiative to rent their silence as well.”

“I’m waiting with bated breath.”

“We call it Wampum for Wives. We’ve already got Newt, Sanford and Ensign signed up for that one . . .”