August 25, 2009

Congressman Logroller’s Tumultuous Hogwaller Health Care Town Hall Meeting

“Good evening. I’m Congressman Linus Logroller, and in the interests of open and transparent government – not to mention my re-election – I want to extend a warm Hogwaller welcome to tonight’s Town Hall meeting on Health Care Reform . . .”

“You’re a liar!”

“What? I didn’t say anything yet!”

“Obama’s a liar too. And so are Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid and Barney Frank and that Kathleen Sebelius – she looks like a deranged schoolmarm – and them Emanuel boys. And their health care plan is socialism.”

“I’ve been warned about y’all. You’re one of those un-American, evil monsters our leadership has been talking about. Part of those unruly mobs stirred up by Fox News and conservative talk radio. One of those agitators shipped in from out of town and financed by Republican lobbying groups to disrupt Democrat town hall meetings . . .”

“I’m your next-door neighbor.”

“Bill? Oh, my. Well, of course, I didn’t mean you. I’m talking about all these other protesters – these ‘astroturf’ organizers with all their talking points straight from the Internet . . .”

“Obama’s gonna take away our Medicare.”

“Mom!?”

“And none of us is signing on to anything until we see the original copy of his birth certificate.”

“Mother, really.”

“He’s not a natural born citizen. He’s a Muslim born in Kenya. I saw it on Lou Dobbs. He’s CNN, so even you gotta admit it’s true.”

“Please. Let’s get back to the real issues. Y’all know that the president and Congress are working real hard to address your deepest concerns. Starting with the passage of a landmark stimulus package and other measures to address the worst economic disaster since the Great Depression and create jobs . . .”

“Create jobs? We’re losing jobs. Those trillions of dollars of spending just made the recession worse.”

“We need to return all the unspent stimulus money to the Treasury.”

“Not to mention that the government shouldn’t be running car companies.”

“Yeah. And I want to know why my car isn’t covered under Cash for Clunkers.”

“Friends! Can’t we have a reasonable discussion here?”

“I hear they’re already constructing buildings to warehouse the old people the death panels are going to have euthanized.”

“Now, c’mon, fella Hogwallerians, y’all know there are no death panels. The president is just fixing to empower people to have more of a say over their final days.”

“And save Medicare a bundle. Just like the Nazis.”

“Not to mention that they probably have those Homeland Security jackboots here spying on Iraq veterans.”

“Yeah. And on us Americans who’re sayin’ ‘fishy’ stuff about health care reform.”

“Spying on us while cozying up to Chu and Chavez and Ortega and Putin and bowing to Saudi dictators.”

“OK. Now you conservatives have gone over the edge. Shame on you. Organizing angry crowds to harass the opposition party. Mobilizing protests via the web. Calling your elected leaders ‘liars’ and ‘Nazis’ over policy differences. Charging that the president’s major reform initiative is aimed at hurting old people. Demonizing his response to an emergency. Insisting that his presidency isn’t legitimate. Saying he wants the government to spy on its own people and spinning conspiracy theories about how he is working with our enemies . . . oops. Never mind.”

“No-bamA! No-bamA! No-bamA!”

“All right. I can see we’re going to need to introduce some ‘balance’ to this here discussion. Which is why I invited some goons – I mean friends – from our union local to join us for our meeting to advance the cause of civilized dee-bate. I know you’re all looking forward to their ‘participation,’ as well. And remember, boys, don’t leave any marks . . .”