August 20, 2009

Celebrity Death Panels
 

“And now, it’s Celebrity Death Panels, that must-see, devil-may-care new game show where citizens just like you beg their munificent government for life-sustaining health care. And here's your host, bioethicist and presidential health care reform adviser, Zeke Emanuel!”
 

“Thank you, and hello, America! Let’s get right into our game with our celebrity death panelists, the One and Only Barack Obama, the ever-unpopular Nancy Pelosi and the irascible but never fun Harry Reid.”

“Our first contestant is Harvey Bucksraker, who needs a simple refill of his insulin prescription. This otherwise healthy 75-year-old former pharmaceutical executive . . .”

“BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!”

“What's up, judges? Nancy?”

“That's three thumbs down, Zeke.”

“Understood. No explanation really needed.”

“Please! It's just a refill.”

“Mr. President, you have something to add?”

“Zeke, we have to make some brutally pragmatic judgments as to which enemies . . . I mean citizens . . . are going to get care. And sir, if you had sold more of those red pills instead of the blue ones, we wouldn't be in this mess.”

“All right then. As we wheel Harvey off, let's bring in our next contestant. It's little four-year-old Tiffany Sweet accompanied by her pediatrician, Dr. Macon A. Pointment. Tiffany’s situation isn’t as dire, she just needs her tonsils …”

“BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!”

“Mr. President?”

“This is obviously one of those situations where Dr. Pointment is making decisions based on the fee payment schedule. Tiffany’s having repeated sore throats and this doctor is looking at the reimbursement system and saying to himself, ‘You know what? I make a lot more money if I take this kid's tonsils out.’ Not getting away with that chicanery here. Maybe the kid has allergies."

“Sir, in fact, I’m not making any more money for this, the surgeon is doing the procedure. And it’s not about sore throats, it’s about making her breathing easier.”

“Harry?”

“Likely story. And that kid smells a little. How do we know she’s not a medical tourist?”

“Well, too bad, Tiffany. Let’s meet our next two contestants: Fallon Downe and Berndt Over. They’re both over 90, suffering from hip fractures and needing surgery. Madame Speaker.”

“This is a tough one, Zeke. So we’re going to have a run-off. Literally. The first one to make it across the stage is hardy enough to deserve the surgery.”

“OK, and they’re off. They’re hobbling and screaming in tortuous pain . . . oh, and down goes Fallon. It looks like she may have broken her other hip. Berndt has made it across! He’s grimacing in agony and may be going into shock. But congratulations, Berndt, you get a new lease on life. Looks like Fallon is going to need some medical attention, though. Fortunately, our medical attendant, Dr. Jack Kevorkian, is right backstage. He’ll fix her up . . . with a drip.”

“But now for our final player . . . Mrs. C. Nile. This should be a no-brainer, literally. She’s in the late stages of dementia, with terminal cancer, but needs a pacemaker. Nancy?”

“Zeke, that name sounds familiar. Isn’t she a major Democratic Party contributor?”

“A cool quarter million last year.”

“That’s three thumbs up, Zeke.”