August 18, 2009

Li’l Kim Meets Slick Willie . . . And You Are There

It’s taken a couple of weeks, but we have managed to obtain an exclusive copy of the secret transcript of former President Bill Clinton’s meeting with North Korea’s Kim Jong Il, which resulted in the release of two American journalists. Portions of the text follow:

Clinton: “Mr. President, thank you for the honor of receiving me, in my capacity as a private citizen, to discuss the two American journalists imprisoned here in North Korea.”

Kim: “Fat jelly doughnut-eating impeached ex-president is married to not-intelligent Secretary of State who sometimes looks like primary schoolgirl and sometimes like retiree out shopping. No wonder you chase after strippers and trailer trash. Maybe you and Dear Leader go out trolling together later and compare notes. Ha ha.”

Clinton: “Again, I’m here solely as a private citizen, but I want to bring with me the respect and best wishes of the president and the people of the United States.”

Kim: “Ha ha. Amateur, so-called president of ‘change’ is no different than previous unilateralist imperialist Bush. But he must be plenty worried to send President Bubba to get two girls working for your goofball global-one-y fanatic friend. Sucking up to Saudi kings, Chinese lenders, Latin dictators and Russian strongmen? Ha ha. I show him some real ‘preconditions.’”

Clinton: “Well, while we’re on the subject of preconditions, I mean perception, I want to express my opinion – my personal opinion as private citizen, of course – that the world looks dimly upon your government’s pattern of capturing and holding foreigners, including South Korean and Japanese citizens. It could help your standing for future talks if you were to release them as well.”

Kim: “Forget that. All Dear Leader has to do now is hand back Lois Lane girl reporters instead of making them suffer 12 years hard labor on trumped-up charges, and do photo op with globe-trotting philanthropist American ex-president, and everyone thinks I am respectable international citizen again. Plus lots of jokes about you picking up girls. Funny. Dear Leader is real expert on picking up girls. Ha ha.”

Clinton: “On the subject of respectability, we’re . . . I mean I, I’m hoping, because I’m here as a private citizen, you understand . . . I’m hoping that you will want to demonstrate your seriousness about nuclear arms reductions.”

Kim: “Sure, sure. Now your vulgar, funny lady wife and rogue and gangster president are showing some ‘understanding of the world’ and are aware of ‘the elementary etiquette in the international community’ . . .  meaning I hold all the cards. So time again to make more fake concessions on nuclear bombs in exchange for more food and oil, like you gave us. Dear Leader’s Kobe steak is getting expensive – your president would understand – and so is gasoline for tricked-out Hummers with built-in bar and extra-large back seat, if you know what I mean, and I know you do. Good thing Chinese own company now, and Dear Leader gets cars free. Meanwhile, while you talk and ship goodies, we build missile that can deliver nuke straight to Los Angeles. I kidnap all the starlets from there first, of course. Ha ha.”

Clinton: “Mr. President, again, you know why I am here. With all respect, I would like to return home with the two journalists in your custody.”

Kim: “Sure, sure. All arranged. You get girls in a minute. But first photo op. Needs to look very official so we can send it all around the world and show who is in charge. You sit over there, I sit over here, our men look very serious behind us like we have big important talks.”

Clinton: “I want to clarify again that I am here solely as a private citizen to request the release of the journalists.”

Kim: “Sure, sure. You are here as private citizen. And I am admired, respected and beloved Dear Leader of Korean people. Ha ha. Say cheese.”