August 11, 2009

Doc Barack’s Stupendous, Wonder-Working Bait-’n’-Switch Snake Oil Elixirs

“Ladies and Gentlemen! Come one, come all! Step right up and sample Doc Barack’s Stupendous, Wonder-Working Bait-’n’-Switch Snake Oil Elixirs!”

“You there. Yes, you, sir. Are you suffering job loss, economic deprivation, chronic debt and mortgage default? I have the miracle cure you’re looking for! It’s my Omni-Busting Trillion-Dollar Stimulating Tonic. Trillions in new spending to give you more pep and purchasing power.”

“But Mister! Didn’t you say last year that your tonic would go through our budgetary systems and clean out all the toxic overspending?”

“Go away, kid, you’re botherin’ me. As I say, sir, this titanic, terrific, tremendous tonic will renew your economic vitality and create or save three to four million jobs.”

“But Mister! Haven’t we actually lost more than two million jobs since America swallowed your Stimulating Tonic? And isn’t all that spending just now going to start to kick in and spur inflation now that the economy is already turning the corner?”

“That’s Doctor, and shut up, kid, you’re scarin’ away the customers. You, ma’am, yes, over there. I believe you could use a new car. Yes, indeedy, ma’am, a brilliant, shiny, eco-sensitive, economy-boosting auto-MO-bile. And I have just the potion for you: My Colossal Cash-for-Clunkers Corrective Catholicon! Yes, you too can cure what ails you by trading in your mileage-poor, carbon-belching carriage for credit toward a late-model Government Motors – I mean, General Motors – vehicle and put Americans to work in the process.”

“But Mister, Mister! Aren’t four of five of all cars bought under your Cash-for-Clunkers Catholicon actually foreign models? And aren’t economists speculating that the purchases are just cannibalizing later sales? And isn’t it unfair that people who can’t afford cars right now are financing cars for middle-and-upper-income buyers who can, and that they will face a double whammy since we’re taking off the market and destroying all the used cars they might be able to afford?”

“Kid, why don’t you go sit in the highway and play with some razor blades? You, my friend. Are you burdened with despair by the prospect of imminent, catastrophic global warming? Ah, ha! I thought so. You look like just the type who would benefit from my Amazing Energizing Catalyzing Carbon-Cleansing Cap ‘n’ Trade Conditioner. Just $4,600 per family to free you of the dire fear and harrowing heartbreak of this coming cataclysm!”

“But Mister! Didn’t you say the Cap ‘n’ Trade Conditioner you sold us last year ‘draws on the power of the marketplace to reduce emissions in a cost-effective and flexible manner?’ And didn’t the Congressional Budget Office estimate a cost of $872 billion in taxes and $863 billion in spending – not to mention huge increases in consumer energy prices and $9 trillion in lost economic growth? Even as cap-and-trade does basically zero to lower global carbon levels while wiping out manufacturing jobs?”

“Kid, don’t you have some town hall meeting where you can hang out? You, ma’am, uh huh. Are you concerned about health-care costs and access? Ah, madam, do I have the antidote for you: My Refreshing Restorative Health Insurance Reform Remedy. For just $1 trillion over the next 10 years (not to mention 8 percent taxes on employers or individuals who don’t opt in) you can have a therapeutic analeptic including a powerful public option that will force 83 million off private rolls, virtually painless prescriptions as to what plans can and must offer and convenient end-of-life counseling.”

“But Mister! Didn’t you promise that your Remedy would let the 70-plus percent of us who liked our health care keep our current plans and doctors while saving $2,500 a year?”

“Kid, read the fine print. Meanwhile, my friends, here’s something new . . . special financing for all my nostrums! My new, Mighty Mystifying Now-You-See-It-Now-You-Don’t Value-Added-Tax-on-Everything-and-Everybody Essence.”

“But Mister! Didn’t you promise . . .”

“Kid, here’s 1.5 billion smackers. Go buy yourself a Frappucino. Or maybe a Starbucks.”