May 5, 2009

The Republicans’ NickNaw Misadventure

I can just picture the strategists brainstorming in the office of House Minority Whip Eric Cantor, golden boy from Richmond and progenitor of the latest GOP non-rebranding rebranding effort.

“We need a really cool name. It can’t have ‘Republican’ in it, because that’s too negative right now. But it’s gotta have the word ‘new.”

“And ‘America.’”

“Oh, yeah, for sure. How about the ‘New America Network?’”

“Sounds like a liberal cable channel.”

“‘The Federation for a New America’?”

“Too much like a lobby group, and we got enough problems there. How about the ‘National Council for a New America?’”

“That’s cutting-edge – for the 1940s. The usual Republican focus groups at the senior center will love it. Now who are our target audiences?”

“Well, we keep hearing we have to show we’re listening to women, minorities, working people and, of course, young people. You know, the Facebook crowd.”

“Check. Whom can we get?”

“Hey, we’re Republicans. So let’s line up a bunch of late middle-aged and old white guys. Like John McCain – he took all of those demographics by storm in November. And Mitt Romney. We definitely gotta trot out a filthy rich, totally plastic, private-equity robber baron to show we really care about the middle class.”

“Let’s not forget someone to remind us of the last GOP president and his 20-something percent approval rating. That should appeal to 20-somethings. How about Jeb Bush? He has the same last name.”

“Excellent. So let’s send those white guys Cantor, Bush and Romney to Northern Virginia, one of the most ethnically diverse communities in a state with one of the most clueless party organizations, on the slowest news day with the smallest potential audience.”

“Sounds like a plan! We’ll show everyone that Republicans have new ideas! By the way, you think we can get George Allen to drop in and re-enact ‘macaca?’”

If anyone needed proof that truth is stranger than fiction, the GOP seems bound and determined to provide it. Look, I don’t want to pick on Congressman Cantor, who did a bang-up job whipping his troops in line to stand unanimously against Barack Obama’s stimulus package – and even elicited the Sun King’s disdainful declaration that he should get his way because “I won.”

But the National Council for a New America, or NCNA for short – and I’m sure that its roll-off-the-tongue natural pronunciation of NickNaw will soon become a household word – comes across as a Saturday Night Live parody of what a Republican PR initiative would look like. Dan Aykroyd playing ol’ Jebbie: “Barack, you ignorant slut!”

At least the former Florida governor got one thing right as the bluebloods hoisted pizza with the hoi polloi in a crowded Arlington parlor: That the GOP needs to get over its nostalgia for the days of Ronald Reagan. The unfortunate thing is that his presence seemed intended to produce nostalgia for the days of 41 and 43.

The truly sad thing is that the mis-imagined NickNaw misadventure was launched the very day that the embodiment of what Republicans really need passed from the scene. Jack Kemp was the true Gipper, a two-time American Football League championship quarterback who generated the playbook for a Republican Renaissance that lasted a generation.

Strangely enough for a star athlete, an apparent lack of discipline kept him from winning the presidency on his own. But his energy was so infectious it made swine flu look like a hangnail. Most important, Kemp and Ronald Reagan, who took the handoff and ran with his vision of an opportunity society, changed as much with their irrepressible optimism as the force of their ideas.

Eric, Mac, Mitt and Jeb, buy a clue. We can’t turn back the clock to the language and policies of Jack and Ronnie. But as they and Barack Obama demonstrated, sometimes the messenger is the message. And for all your cool acronyms, you ain’t found him or her yet.