February 24, 2009

Making Democrats Feel Needed, and the Rest of Us Feel Safer

I once had an overseer who would call in frequently when out of the office – sometimes as often as every 10 minutes – to check up on ongoing work. After enduring a round of this superior’s kibitzing from her vacation, an exasperated colleague turned and sputtered at me, “She’s really worried that something will go wrong without her.”

To which, in a spasm of sheer, inspired enlightenment, I replied, “Nope. She’s worried that something will go right without her.”

You see, if we mere underlings were to complete a project successfully without her, it might appear to demonstrate that this boss was not really needed.

Once you grasp that concept, you understand perfectly the deep psychological distress driving the Democratic Party. After all, if Americans, through our own intelligence, resources and entrepreneurial spirit, are able to solve our own problems, who needs them?

That’s why Democrats can never risk letting human ingenuity, social forces and workings of the market follow their natural courses – and have something go right without them.

You say the average recession lasts around 13 months, the current downturn is already past that point, and retail sales, a key growth driver, just took an unexpected upward jump? Never mind that. We still need to spur “recovery” with the biggest spending bill in history, the bulk of which will start kicking in next fiscal year, when statistically we should already be back on the upswing.

Huh? Falling prices and lower interest rates are already reviving housing sales? Heaven forbid. Gotta have a $75 billion plan to keep people in unaffordable homes, prolonging the mistakes that launched the crisis and delaying needed market corrections. Not to mention discouraging future mortgage loans by handing bankruptcy judges the power to rewrite terms.

Hold on there. Last year’s $700 billion Troubled Asset Relief Program, designed and overseen in part by the current, “indispensable” Treasury Secretary is, by his own admission, not only failing to stabilize the financial system, but actually locking up lending? No worries, the Sun King will fix things – with a new, $1.5 trillion package that has sent bank stocks crashing and spurred talk of full nationalization: Rex and the Citi.

What do you mean market mechanisms – especially common-sense consumers leaving cars in the garage – have dramatically reversed the energy price spike? Can’t have that! We need budget-busting, economically unviable “alternative energy” programs and “green jobs.” Not to mention the skyrocketing global food prices generated by the last such mandate – pushing ethanol.

You get the idea. The Democrats’ desperate, almost pathological need to be needed is not just blocking progress, but making things dangerous for the rest of us.

But hey, I have a solution. Let’s scratch their itch.

Nancy Pelosi and her House Democrats? They’d make fab social workers. They’re so sympathetic and committed to helping the disadvantaged and the unemployed, of whom there are more and more every day thanks to their handiwork. Let’s scare up some “stimulus” scratch to hand them each a caseload and get them do-gooding outside Washington.

Harry Reid? What a knack for rhetoric. (See: “Smelly tourists.”) How about grub-staking him and his Senate colleagues a local newspaper? They might feel wanted writing up bake sales and covering girls’ basketball.

Timmy Geithner? Two words – financial counselor. No, no, not be one. See one.

And that guy at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue? Such skill moving crowds and inspiring people. I’ve got a perfect job for him.

Community organizer.

Been there, done that, you say? No problemo: We’ll be giving O a position in which he might not only feel fulfilled, but might actually prove qualified.