February 2, 2009

Of Stoplights and Stimuli

Back in the day, when our family minivan would halt at a traffic signal, our adorable blonde, blue-eyed toddler Tonia would mutter from her back-row car seat, “Stupid light . . . stupid light.”

Chip off the old block. (Some would say “blockhead.”)

By definition (mine), all stoplights are stupid lights. Driving is about going, not stopping. In fact, stoplights – an ill-considered holdover of the early days of horseless carriages – are the epitome of bad government.

There are too darn many of them, and too few alternatives like rotaries and cloverleafs designed to keep traffic moving smoothly and safely. Too many signals boast left-turn arrows, which prolong waits. Timing? Hah!

Not to mention that all stoplights appear specially designed to accomplish two things – turn red when I approach, and turn green for Tonia now that she has her license.

Nevertheless, I am not alone in seeing red. Cost estimates of hours and fuel lost to signals range to more than $120 billion a year. Studies cited by the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety have found that roundabouts can reduce fuel consumption by 30 percent, vehicle delays by up to 89 percent and accidents by 40 percent. Even four-way stops are safer and more efficient. As Mick philosophized in Rocky II: “Whadda we waitin’ fer?”

But to paraphrase George Orwell, while all stoplights are equally stupid, some are more equal than others. Exhibit A involves a major intersection where the Commonwealth of Virginia spent millions of dollars building an overpass and cloverleaf, along with two breathtaking flyovers.

Yet the engineering geniuses decided only to build three “leafs” in their clover. Drivers who want to head north must now stop and wait for a left-turn arrow at a new stoplight atop the overpass.

Every time I reach the red light and wait – with no one approaching the other direction – I watch with bemusement the cars stopped at another light added down the road. While I stew and burn gas, that light will turn green, their drivers will race to the overpass where I am helplessly detained, and then the signal will abruptly change, frustrating them for absolutely no reason while finally allowing me to proceed.

Naah-naah, nah naah-naah. Road rage city.

What set me off on this jeremiad? Why, of course, the massive “stimulus” package now racing down the road to your neighborhood.

In contemplating this Hummer of a plan, Barack Obama assured his adoring public, “We won’t do it the old Washington way.” His Oneness also once pledged to “go through the federal budget, line-by-line, eliminating programs that no longer work and making the ones we do need work better and cost less.”

Ah, the best-laid plans of stoplights and stimuli . . .

The Obamulus bill at last count was at approximately $850 billion and nearly 1,600 pages. To put that into perspective, $850 billion would fund 3,400 Bridges to Nowhere. So think about how many stupid lights it will finance.

One of America’s most educated and affluent populaces couldn’t prevent local government from installing a time-and-fuel-wasting stoplight. What’s to stop them as cash flows from Barry I’s neo-monarchy with utterly no local accountability?

Trust me. No one is going line-by-line through the 1,600-page Obamulus bill eliminating projects that won’t work. Nor will anyone go through the literally tens of millions of line items it will spawn at the state and local level, including thousands of stoplights that won’t work either. They are too busy shoveling money at “shovel-ready” projects.

There will be some stoplights to which I will want to take a shovel. Maybe Tonia will help me.