January 5, 2009

D.C.’s New Game Show: Let’s Make a Stimulus Deal!

“Live from Washington! It’s that fun and exciting new game show, Let’s Make a Stimulus Deal! Starring D.C.’s Big Dealer, Harry Reid!”

“Thanks, Johnny. Let’s get right to our first contestant. Dressed in driving goggles and long coat for the ultimate road trip, it’s General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner!”

“Yep. Drove all the way here again in that overpriced and completely impractical Chevy Volt. It’s the only way my PR people let me go anywhere these days. Gotta stop for Starbucks every 40 minutes to plug the dagnab thing in. You got a bathroom around here?”

“We do, but first we’ll see if we can make your trip worthwhile. I understand you’re technically playing for bailout money, not stimulus funds.”

“Actually, Harry, the giveaway will stimulate thousands of overpaid positions and gold-plated benefits not only for union workers and retirees but for non-workers as well – not to mention production of millions of completely unsellable cars.”

“Nicely put, Rick. What do you have to trade?”

“One corporate aircraft and billions of dollars in ultimately worthless IOUs.”

“Let’s see what we have in return. I’m going to reach into my pocket and – surprise! – direct from the TARP fund that was only supposed to be used for financial assets, we have a $4 billion illegal ‘emergency’ loan. But that’s not all. Here in my other pocket is a $6-billion cash infusion into your GMAC financing arm, which I understand you’re planning to use to subsidize zero percent five-year loans to unqualified buyers on the same behemoth SUVs you’re promising to build fewer of under your agreement with the government.”

“Hey, they’re way more comfortable than that glorified golf cart.”

“It’s a neat trick, and thanks for playing. Let’s move on to our next trader – here in the Statue of Liberty costume is none other than America’s Mayor, Michael Bloomberg.”

“Harry, you’re stepping on my robe.”

“Sorry, Your Honor. I understand you’re here playing for the U.S. Conference of Mayors, their corrupt, patronage-driven political machines, and the feather-bedding teacher and government employee unions that have them in their clutches.”

“You betcha. And all of us have pulled together a little stimulus wish list of more than 15,000 ‘shovel-ready’ projects – that’s the new stimulus buzzword – totaling more than $96 billion.”

“You’re shoveling it, all right. What do you have to trade?”

“Are you kidding? I’m the one who really does have the deed to the Brooklyn Bridge.”

“Excellent. We don’t have Carol Merrill, but we do have the lovely and prodigiously profligate Nancy Pelosi. Nancy, show us what we have for the mayors behind door number one. Why, it’s the full list, which includes $780 million for museums, $110 million for golf courses, $87 million for bike paths and $30 million for tennis courts. Not to mention the polar bear exhibit and the water-park ride. Stimulating, indeed!”

“Thanks, Harry. Gotta get back to the Big Apple. Getting my picture taken for another one of those fiscally responsible mayor lists.”

“Not wearing that outfit, I hope. And here’s our final contestant. Wow, that’s a great Blago wig you’re wearing.”

“Yo, I am Blago.”

“Oh. What are you doing here?”

“Some of da boys in the Dem governor club – you know, Davey from New York, Deval from Massachusetts, Johnny from New Jersey, Ted from Ohio and Jimmy from Wisconsin – they’d never have me as a member, but they’ve asked me to represent them. I got some experience making deals, heh heh.”

“But you’ve already given away Barry’s Senate seat. What do you have left to trade?”

“I figured I could hand over some of da boys up da line, in the Daley machine, et cetera, if you know what I mean. I understand you’ve turned up on some of da tapes …”

“I get your point. Nancy, what do we have behind curtain two, three and four for Hot Rod and the boys? Why, it’s $1 trillion in pork barrel projects and slush funds aimed at allowing big-spending, fiscally irresponsible states to end-run their constitutional balanced-budget mandates by dumping their liabilities on the federal government.”

“Wow. Dat’s really swell. But before Fitz gets here to cart me off, I wanna ax you sometin’. How is it dat youse guys can get away wit’ pledgin’ trillions of dollars in unsustainable payouts now that can only be financed by dependin’ on continued infusions from future taxpayers?”

“We’ll get to that in a moment. But first, here’s a word from Let’s Make a Stimulus Deal’s official financial advisor . . . Bernard Madoff.”