January 1, 2009

ReAl America: New Year, New Country? 

How about this new idea for a new year? A new country.

My Man Dutch Reagan – a New Deal Democrat transformed into the conservative standard-bearer – used to say that he didn’t leave its party, it left him.

If his party left Ronnie, what the heck is our government doing to us? Trillions in bailouts. Nationalization of banks, auto companies, housing and who knows what next? Easy money. Social Security and Medicare going broke. Blago. Global warming as the new national religion.

Kids getting suspended for possession of Skittles. Trial lawyers reigning supreme. The gay agenda running rampant through our politics, private businesses and public life despite repeated defeats at the polls. The Clintons in charge of our foreign policy. And the worst surely yet to come with the most liberal president ever elected in a semi-landslide to go with the most left-wing congressional leadership. 

The good news is that we have the same solution at our disposal as the Gipper: Let ‘em leave. After all, most of the wackiness is being forced by a small sliver of states in the Northeast and the Far Left (geographically as well as politically). I’m talkin’ New England, New York, Pennsylvania, Northern Ohio, Michigan and Illinois, along with California and the Pacific Northwest.

They’re the ones generating all the Wall Street and Washington thievery, financial shenanigans and bailouts, and climate change-driven eco-nazism. They’re the ones with the outer-space educational theories and dietary mandates. Their courts are trying to redefine the family and impose their amoral, undemocratic impulses on the rest of us.

So let them go their own way and wallow in their own silliness. The rest of us will stay behind and form our own country. And while we’re at it, I bet we can pick up the heartland provinces of Canada (the ones with all the oil, wheat, water and wisdom).

We’ll call our new land the Republican Alliance of America – or ReAl America for short. (Kinda has a ring to it, doesn’t it?)

The bases of government in ReAl America will be the Constitution, the way it was originally written, and simple Common Sense, the way it was formerly practiced. Power will devolve to the people and the states – we really will be a federal alliance of sovereign governments. Central government will be small and constrained – we’ll fit our cabinet meetings into a conference room, not an auditorium. 

The new Supreme Court in ReAl America – which will sit in Reagan City, our new capital near Omaha – won’t be sticking its long nose into things that aren’t its business, like late-term abortion and bedroom politics, local schools and businesses, religion and admission policies. The Exclusionary Rule will protect the People from Big Brother, not felons from the bar of justice.

In ReAl America, we’ll understand that caring about health and the environment needn’t stop us from drilling for oil, burning coal, building nukes, driving SUVs and, most important, snarfing chocolate and cheeseburgers.

In ReAl America’s schools, kids will be free to pray and sing Christmas carols – and educators to pursue minor objectives like teaching youngsters to read and write – rather than stew over federal mandates, political correctness and a plethora of zero-tolerance policies. College admissions and job applications? Make mine merit, not multiculturalism.

In ReAl America, marriage will be between one man and one wife. The culture wars will involve Beethoven v. Brahms.

In ReAl America, people and businesses will once again be free to fail – we’ll bail out sinking sailboats, not banks and auto companies. (We’ll have the Japanese companies, anyway, not the Incredible Shrinking Three.) Social Security? Privatized. Health care? Say “ah,” not “all-powerful bureaucrats.”

Foreign policy and defense in ReAl America? About protecting you and promoting democracy – not kowtowing to UN resolutions or sucking up to Old Europe socialists, Third World tyrants and the Arab Street.

And in ReAl America, we won’t elect smooth-talking, nanny-state-cuddling, dictator-negotiating, tree-hugging, gay-accommodating metrosexuals. We’ll choose real guys – like maybe that moose-hunting, good-ol’-boy-bucking, pay-raise-rejecting Governor of Alaska.

Those of you stuck in one of those Old America states who like the sound of a ReAl American government and society will be welcome to mosey across the border to join us.

When the remaining citizens of What-Used-to-Be-the-USA realize they’ve left behind all our nukes, the bulk of our military, most of our moral and economic strength and all of our reason, prudence and fundamental goodness, they’ll want to rejoin us too. So we’ll have a simple solution for them as well. 

Vive le France!