December 29, 2008

My First Recession Reader: Smart Consumers and Silly Government

See Mr. and Mrs. American Consumer. Mr. and Mrs. Consumer are smart.

Mr. and Mrs. Consumer know that business is bad. Mr. and Mrs. Consumer know that jobs are going away.

See Mr. and Mrs. Consumer do smart things. See Mr. and Mrs. Consumer save money. See Mr. and Mrs. Consumer pay down debt. (Debt is money they owe other people.) See Mr. and Mrs. Consumer drive less in their big SUVs and not buy overpriced American cars.

See Mr. and Mrs. Consumer spend less money at Christmastime on $2,000 big-screen TVs and $400 Coach handbags and $800 Manolo shoes. Smart Mr. and Mrs. Consumer!

See Mr. Retailer. Mr. Retailer is not quite as smart as Mr. and Mrs. Consumer. Mr. Retailer owns the stores where they sell the $2,000 big-screen TVs and $400 Coach handbags and $800 Manolo shoes. Mr. Retailer borrowed a lot of money to build new stores. Mr. Retailer thought Mr. and Mrs. Consumer would continue to spend money like there was no tomorrow.

Mr. Retailer did not have a Merry Christmas. See Mr. Retailer cry all the way to Bankruptcy Court. (Bankruptcy Court is where you go when you cannot pay back the money you owe other people, unless you are a Big Auto Company or a Big Bank.) Sad Mr. Retailer!

See Big Government. Big Government is not smart at all.

See Big Government give a lot of Mr. and Mrs. Consumer’s money to the Big Auto Companies. See the Big Auto Companies build cars that people do not want to buy. See the Big Auto Companies pay workers more than other people to do the same work. See the Big Auto Companies even pay workers not to work at all. Silly Big Auto Companies!

See Big Government tell the Big Auto Companies to spend Mr. and Mrs. Consumer’s money to build different cars that people will also not buy. See Big Government tell the Big Auto Companies it is all right to spend Mr. and Mrs. Consumer’s money to keep paying workers more than they should and even not to work at all. Silly Big Government!

See Big Government give more of Mr. and Mrs. Consumer’s money to the Big Banks to pay back all the money they owe because of really silly loans they made to homeowners who could not pay them back. See the Big Banks spend Mr. and Mrs. Consumer’s money to buy other Big Banks! Oh, no! Bad Big Banks!

See Big Government lower interest rates to zero to help Mr. Retailer, the Big Auto Companies and the Big Banks. See Smart Mr. and Mrs. Consumer lose money after inflation when they try to save with the Big Banks. (Inflation is what happens to money after the Big Government prints too much of it to give away to the Big Auto Companies and the Big Banks.) See Mr. and Mrs. Consumer and Mr. Hong Kong Tycoon and Mr. Arab Sheik put less of their money into Big Banks.

See Big Government try to figure out whether the United States is going to turn into Japan (two decades of no growth) or Zimbabwe (a wheelbarrow full of money to buy a loaf of bread, if you can find one). Confused Big Government!

See Big Government try to cover up all its mistakes by spending a trillion dollars to “stimulate” the economy. (“Stimulus” is when you try to get Smart Mr. and Mrs. Consumer to spend their money in the same silly ways as Big Government, Big Auto Companies and Big Banks.)

See Big Government spend that trillion dollars on hundreds of Bridges to Nowhere and bike trails and nature preserves and federal buildings named after Congresspeople and other earmarks. (No, silly. “Earmarks” are not tattoos on people’s ears, which would be much cheaper. Earmarks are when Congresspeople spend Smart Mr. and Mrs. Consumer’s money on dumb things and expect them to be grateful.)

See Congressman Louie Gohmert. Congressman Gohmert is a Republican from Texas. See Congressman Gohmert call for a Tax Holiday. (A Tax Holiday is a lot like Christmas, except your present is that you get to keep your own money.)

Congressman Gohmert thinks that instead of letting Silly Big Government spend $1 trillion on banks, bridges, bike trails and buildings, Smart Mr. and Mrs. Consumer should decide how they would spend it.

See Congressman Gohmert’s bill get ignored. Congressman Gohmert thought that Big Government might do something smart for a change. Silly Congressman Gohmert!