January 23, 2009
Obama Inaugural Address: The Best President In the History of
the Entire World
Having watched Barack
Obama’s presidential inauguration, I believe
I can safely say that he will undoubtedly –
if he isn’t already – come to be known as
the best president in the history of the
entire universe. How do I know this? Because
he pretty much said so in his inaugural
address. So that’s that.
And let’s face it –
words don’t really mean much anymore. We
live in an age where terms like “genius” are
bandied about to describe sports players
gifted at such intellectual pursuits as
“kicking” and “throwing”, or rap musicians
whose primary talent lies in their ability
to string many words together in rapid
succession (unlike, judging by his
butchering of the oath of office, the guy
who’s now president). Terms like “love”,
“kisses” and “xoxo” are tossed about, even
between people of the same gender, making it
difficult for someone like myself – who
attributes actual substance and meaning to
language – to determine if my dating
prospects would rather prefer to go a few
rounds of tongue wrestling with their
buddies.
Obama, with the very
first speech he gave this week as the 44th
president of the United States, proved that
he is the perfect leader for the superficial
moral relativists who say that he’s the
“best thing that ever happened, ever, in the
whole history of the entire world and
universe!”, as though their worldly
perspective was developed on a trip from
Florida to NYC, and their historical one
started the day they were born. Or for those
who say, without any apparent awareness of
their own racist superficiality, that it’s
so great to finally see a black guy in the
White House.
Aesthetically, it all
looks good – the hype, the gloss, the
spectacle. But what happens when you parse
the florid, bloated rhetoric? Let’s have a
look.
“My fellow citizens: I stand here today humbled by the task
before us . . .”
Come on – no, you don’t. Just a few months
ago, you delivered a note to the prayer wall
in Israel asking that you be saved from your
own arrogance. By all indications –
including this speech bashing your
predecessor – the “humility salvation
package” has yet to arrive.
“Every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and
raging storms. At these moments, America has
carried on not simply because of the skill
or vision of those in high office, but
because We the People have remained faithful
to the ideals of our forbearers, and true to
our founding documents.”
No, America has prospered during tough times
because people rolled up their sleeves and
got to work. No one – and I mean no one,
in the entire history of America – has ever
said, “Wow, things are really bad right now.
What would the founding fathers and the
Constitution have done about this?”
“Our
nation is at war, against a far-reaching
network of violence and hatred.”
It sounds like you have Islamists confused
with a bunch of Internet bloggers. Why not
use the enemy’s actual name? They use yours:
Al Qaeda’s Ayman Al-Zawahiri said recently
that you’re a traitor to your Muslim roots.
“On this day, we come to proclaim an end to
the petty grievances and false promises, the
recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for
far too long have strangled our politics.”
So now when you disagree with a liberal,
you’re engaging in “dogmatism” and “petty
grievances” and even “strangling”? And are
you talking about George W. Bush, here? A
man who sometimes went so far out of his way
to reach out to liberals – particularly on
economic and immigration matters – that he
risked permanent injury from overextension?
Apparently so.
“For
everywhere we look, there is work to be
done. The state of the economy calls for
action, bold and swift, and we will act not
only to create new jobs, but to lay a new
foundation for growth. We will build the
roads and bridges, the electric grids and
digital lines that feed our commerce and
bind us together.”
To the shovels, comrades!
“We will harness the sun and the winds and
the soil to fuel our cars and run our
factories.”
Ask Al Gore how that has been working out,
along with his massive worldwide Coalition
Of the Delusional. He’s been involved in
that quagmire much longer than the USA has
been in Iraq.
“And we will transform our schools and
colleges and universities to meet the
demands of a new age.”
You mean they’ll start hiring conservatives?
Colleges and universities are run
exclusively by liberals – which would
explain the whole problem.
“And those of us who manage the public's
dollars will be held to account to spend
wisely, reform bad habits, and do our
business in the light of day because only
then can we restore the vital trust between
a people and their government.”
This, coming apparently without any hint of
self-awareness or irony, from someone who
has been insisting on bailout after bailout,
with each featuring massive backroom pork
barreling.
“As for our common defense, we reject as
false the choice between our safety and our
ideals . . .Those ideals still light the
world, and we will not give them up for
expedience's sake.”
Does this mean that I don’t have to take my
shoes off at the airport anymore? Are the
people who look like the 9/11 terrorists now
free of this inconvenience, as well?
“America is a friend of each nation and
every man, woman, and child who seeks a
future of peace and dignity, and that we are
ready to lead once more.”
Who was “leading” before now? Uganda?
“With hope and virtue, let us brave once
more the icy currents, and endure what
storms may come.”
Isn’t it supposed to be too hot out for “icy
currents”? Whatever. Everyone just needs to
get to work. The world is full of people of
“hope and virtue” who can’t pay their rent.
