December 12, 2008

The Endless Global Warming Sitcom

Just imagine all the liberal “work” and “enterprise” that would come to a crashing halt if people simply ignored the idea that we’re apparently all going to explode into a giant ball of fire someday, and went about our business. Liberals have created a catastrophe from which only they can save us.  But an actual solution would ruin all the fun -- and destroy liberal employment prospects in the mass hysteria industry.

So the goal of global warming proponents is to give the issue a cameo in every possible scene playing out on the world stage.  Here’s what that has looked like over the past week:

*  The European Union is meeting this week to discuss climate change.  If businesses in Europe didn’t have enough problems, now they may have to buy and sell “pollution credits” - as though it’s even measurable, let alone enforceable.  How is anyone going to know if some company is letting out stink bombs on the sly?  People have a hard enough time policing such things in a small room with a handful of people.  Self-reporting is rare, and usually the household pet gets blamed.  Try doing this across an entire country or continent.

Conservative French President Nicolas Sarkozy, in his role as EU President for another few days, is trying to get a consensus on a “20-20-20” plan to decrease greenhouse gases by 20% by the year 2020, save 20% worth of energy, and grow renewable energy by 20%.  Newcomers to the 27-nation EU (including Poland) aren’t keen, and neither is Germany’s Angela Merckel.  Apparently they don’t get the joke.  At these summits, here’s the real “20-20-20” plan:  empty 20% of your hotel’s wine cellar; make sure at least 20% of your words are envirofascist compliant; and then return home to implement a maximum of 20% of this lunacy over the course of approximately 20 decades.

*  Canada also has a “climate change ambassador” in attendance at a parallel United Nations summit on the same issue (because supposedly one summit isn’t enough), where thousands of people from all over the world are trying to reach “consensus” on a new Kyoto treaty.  Michael Martin said that, “As a matter of policy, [Canada] will not purchase hot air.”  Canada, which could at one time be counted upon to take envirowackos seriously, is now being accused by some of treating the whole thing as a “joke”.  Now why would a country that blew off the Kyoto treaty and still has some of the freshest air in the world possibly be tempted to do that?

*  President-Elect Obama and Vice-President Elect Joe Biden briefly departed the Fantasyland Of The President-Elect to enter Al Gore’s planetary orbit.  “The time for denial is over,” said Gore of global warming, as more than 650 individuals with actual scientific credentials said otherwise in a US Senate Minority Report.  Obama declared climate change a great source of new make-work jobs -- neglecting to cite Al Gore as a model example -- and also “a matter of national security”.  And to think President Bush got caught flak for blaming terrorism on terrorists.

*  The CEOs of the Big Three automobile manufacturers loaded up the trunk with kneepads and made their way back to Capitol Hill to beg for money from the people who bankrupted them into making cars no one wants.   Chicks just don’t want to date a guy who drives a Prius.  But the CEOs are stuck trying to explain that to Barney Frank – the openly gay House Financial Services Committee Chairman.  If there’s one man in America who could score dates using a Prius, it would be Barney Frank.  

After being reamed for showing up at the first set of hearings in separate Earth murdering jets rather than on public transit like everyone else does when they have no money, they obviously figured some token symbolism was in order.  So the CEO of General Motors carted down an environmentally-friendly Chevy Volt, on the back of a truck, and unloaded it to drive the final few miles into DC.

The CEO messed up.  He should have driven the Volt all the way from Detroit to DC, with news cameras in tow.  We could have watched his journey as he stopped every 40 miles and plugged in his car’s rechargeable lithium batteries at some random American’s house.  Then maybe America would have understood the conflict between liberal idealism and reality.  In a future dominated by electric cars, it takes a village -- to make a road trip.

*  Billionaire businessman Richard Branson’s Virgin America announced this week that passengers who purchase carbon offset credits, either along with their airline tickets or out of in-flight boredom through the on-board entertainment system, will help fund a “biodigester” in California that will munch something like “8,000 tons of carbon dioxide”.  No update on Branson’s Virgin Galactic spaceshot project which, I’m guessing, won’t be fueled by palm tree, coconut, or babassu oils -- all of which he has poured into his planes’ gas tanks, apparently after having a little too much fun experimenting with the juicer.  According to Scientific American, he wants to try algae as fuel, next.  At least until the hippies get angry because they can’t find their algae capsules at the health food store anymore.