Nathaniel

Shockey

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June 24, 2009

What Was Barbara Boxer Thinking? Consider the Possibilities!

Barbara Boxer does not prefer to be called “ma’am”, for which I can’t blame her. I wouldn’t want a U.S. Army Brigadier General calling me ma’am either. In fact, it’s surprising to me that she waited a full two seconds before cutting him off mid-sentence. This caused me to wonder, what could she possibly have been thinking during those two seconds?

Possibility #1 – Gosh that word makes me feel old. I wonder if it would be rude to interrupt a senior officer of the U.S. Army. If I let him finish this sentence, I’ll feel old for a really long time. Truthfully, I’m not listening to much of what he’s saying anyway, and I definitely won’t be paying attention to him until I stop feeling so old! By golly I have a moral obligation to stop this at once!

“I would – you know, do me a favor could you say senator instead of ma’am? It’s just a thing I worked so hard to get that title so I’d appreciate it, yes, thank you.”

Possibility #2 – Ooo, there’s that word I hate – ma’am – so disrespectful. I’m so disgusted with it I don’t think I’ll take the time to let him finish in order to give myself a chance to formulate a grammatically presentable response. Granted, if I did let him finish his sentence, it might be a bit more polite. Some people in this country still respect U.S. Army Brigadier Generals. And then I could correct him with English that wouldn’t offend a second grader. But upon further review, no, I think I’ll just stop him now because that word is just so irksome!

“I would – you know, do me a favor could you say senator instead of ma’am? It’s just a thing I worked so hard to get that title so I’d appreciate it, yes, thank you.”

Possibility #3 – How long is this guy going to go on? He’s already been talking for at least four seconds, and he has the nerve to call me “ma’am”? I’d be doing myself a disservice and everyone else in this room who has to listen to this antagonist if I didn’t stop this nonsense immediately! Is he still speaking? Who let him in here? He speaks poison with two tongues! This has gone on long enough!

“I would – you know, do me a favor could you say senator instead of ma’am? It’s just a thing I worked so hard to get that title so I’d appreciate it, yes, thank you.”

Possibility #4 – This guy thinks he’s better than me. He honestly thinks he’s better than me! Or is it better than I? I might remember if second grade weren’t at least six years ago, or was it 60? Cross out the five, carry the two . . . Do I seriously have to suffer through long division in order to tell him how long it took me to earn my title? That’s why they invented calculators! Okay, Barb, let’s do this without yelling. You know math upsets your voice control, so count to two and take control. One, three, I mean . . . aww, screw it.

“I would – you know, do me a favor could you say senator instead of ma’am? It’s just a thing I worked so hard to get that title so I’d appreciate it, yes, thank you.”

Possibility #5 – I don’t like this guy’s face, and I sure didn’t work my way to the top of the food chain to be disrespected by the military! What was that movie, when the bald doctor corrected the other guy for calling him mister? I actually committed the line to memory in case I ever needed it. “It's Doctor Evil actually. I didn't spend four years at Evil Medical School to be called Mister Evil thank you very much.” Here’s my big chance!

“I would – you know, do me a favor could you say senator instead of ma’am? It’s just a thing I worked so hard to get that title so I’d appreciate it, yes, thank you.” Hmm, that didn’t come out quite as smoothly as I had hoped.

I lean toward number five, but wouldn’t rule out either of the others. Either way, if one remark were ever grounds for the permanent sewing shut of one’s mouth, Boxer’s most recent gobbledygook would rank right near the top.

© 2009 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

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