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Nathaniel
Shockey
Read Nathaniel's bio and previous columns
here
June 3, 2009
Whatever It Is, It’s
True . . . a Pregnancy Book Says So
I’d estimate that there are roughly 2.5 million different pregnancy
books in existence. Assuming that figure is accurate, almost one out of
every 100 people in America has written one, and the other 99 percent
either have never had a baby or simply can’t write.
I
like numbers, even when I birth them out of my ass. They tell me if
something is safe or unsafe, rare or common. But I’ve come to realize
that pregnancy books only like numbers sometimes. Concerning the
percentage of babies who are born before the 36th week,
they’ll tell you it’s about 10 percent. Concerning the average weight of
a newborn, you’ll quickly learn that it is 7.5 pounds. But for the
things that pregnant parents actually worry about, you’ll find that
numbers are scarce. In their stead is the word normal.
If
you can’t feel the baby moving for a day or two, don’t worry, this is
normal. It is perfectly normal to find yourself craving foods you’d have
never even considered eating several months ago. It is normal to find
yourself unable to get comfortable. If you find yourself resenting your
husband for his lackadaisical approach to birth control, don’t worry,
this is normal. None of your clothes fit you anymore. This is normal.
You may start losing vision in your left eye. Don’t worry, this is
normal. Forgetting to wear pants when retrieving the mail is a normal
side effect of a healthy pregnancy. Smile! You’re pregnant! Normal
pregnant ladies smile.
I’m quite confident that the following is the pregnancy book definition
of normal: We either imagined receiving or actually received a letter
from at least one person who has experienced this symptom.
The other school of pregnancy books knows that if you consider or have
ever considered doing anything – yes, anything – you and/or your
baby will almost certainly incur a rare disease.
If
you don’t get at least an hour of daily exercise, your child will get
diabetes mellitus. If you drink a cup of coffee, your baby will get
AIDS. If you ever catch a cold, your baby has been permanently infected
with the Ebola virus. Drinking alcohol increases the risk of giving your
liver cancer by a million percent. If you don’t wait for the walk sign
before crossing the street, you’ve just increased your baby’s risk of
being struck by a car by 10 times! If you recline for too long, your
baby will probably end up with a disease called laziness. If you
exercise too vigorously, your baby’s eyes will be permanently crossed,
and he’ll probably get syphilis.
I
don’t really like reading pregnancy books, partially because I’m not
convinced they use words correctly, and mostly because they’re nothing
like ESPN.com. But they do have four actual uses:
1.
Your wife feels less alone.
2.
You could actually learn things that will help you with . . . (wait for
it) . . . pregnancy!
3.
Your children can sit on them when you’re teaching them to drive or play
the piano.
4.
Assuming you’ve accumulated as many as we have, you can spend
significantly less on firewood for your next camping trip.
As
my wife and I are in our sixth month, rapidly approaching our third
trimester, pregnancy books have me thoroughly convinced of the danger of
the first half of this sentence. Any husband who chooses to remain
within a pillow’s throw of his wife during a pregnancy realizes that his
half of the bargain really only accounts for about 0.8 percent. The
husband’s job is to learn as much as he can so he can actually be
helpful, which could include cooking a meal, intelligently and
submissively discussing breast-feeding and epidurals, asking informed
questions such as, “Can you feel all 13.5 inches and 0.98 pounds of the
baby today?” and reminding her that she looks just as beautiful to you
today as she did before you ruined nine months of her life. I’m good at
about one and a half of these things, but I’m learning.
Thankfully, as this is only our first child, I’ve learned that my
location on the tiniest part of the dumb side of the learning curve is
perfectly normal.
© 2009
North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.
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