As
it is currently one of my favorite times in the sports calendar, I
thought I might share a few thoughts on the happenings around the
leagues.
The World Champion Philadelphia Phillies are off to their sixth slow
start in as many years. One begins to wonder if this habit is bad or
intentional. In the past two years, they have managed to right the ship
by late September, which is in plenty of time for playoff baseball. But
still, I sometimes wonder why they don’t consider winning games late
and early in the season. Then again, that question is not entirely
fair, as they tend to win at least one out of their first eight.
Alex Rodriguez has intensified his practice routine and is scheduled to
return to the Yankees’ lineup by May 15. One of his colleagues noted,
“Six years ago he would have been back in the lineup within days of hip
surgery.” Upon hearing this, A-Rod laughed, assuming this was a
reference to his age.
San Francisco Giants pitcher Barry Zito, off to yet another slow start,
had a chance to watch his teammate, Randy Johnson, throw a one-hitter
through seven innings. Johnson, who is exactly one and a half times as
old as Zito, and with an $8 million salary, is paid less than half of
Zito, led by example on Sunday night. I call the example, “How not to
suck and piss off an entire city at the same time.” The tag “Worst
contract in sports history,” is continually revealing itself as a giant
understatement. It occurred to me that, amid the slew of government
bailouts, perhaps the most sensible place from which to dig up some
extra cash would be to humbly ask Zito for a generous donation, perhaps
something around $125 million. That would still leave him a million
dollars with which to spend however he pleases. In case that doesn’t
last him the rest of his life, perhaps he could try to discover another
trade at which he isn’t terrible. I happen to have it on good authority
that men with hanging curve balls make terrific baristas.
Philadelphia Eagles’ cornerback Sheldon Brown wants out of Philly, not
because of the weather, the crime nor even the Eagles’ refusal to add
the extra players they need to win a Super Bowl. No, Sheldon Brown wants
out because he’s decided he’s worth more than that silly contract he
signed a few years back, which entitled him to a $7.5 million signing
bonus. (Perhaps he neglected to put it in his mutual fund). This year,
he’s making a paltry $2 million, about which one could hardly blame him
for getting nervous. I’m sure he’s seen the rising grocery costs just
like I have. It just doesn’t seem fair! So what if he signed a stupid
contract? Things change! What’s the point of signing a contract if you
can’t change your mind and renegotiate it on a whim? It worked for
Terrell Owens, didn’t it? He was kicked off the team, and has since been
shelved by a team that is more forgiving than Emilio Estevez’s Mighty
Ducks.
Considering the two epic months of NHL and NBA playoffs, it dawned on me
that we could make them longer if we wanted to. Why settle for only 16
teams over four best-of-seven rounds when we could have something like,
I don’t know, at least triple that? As Derek Zoolander said, “It needs
to be at least three times this big!” Sure, you might have to
haphazardly add an expansion team or two to make it as exciting as the
NCAA tournament, but as far as I can see, what could possibly be more
entertaining than 64 teams and six rounds of best-of-seven playoff
entertainment? We all know that baseball playoffs are built for
discriminating, exclusive, probably prejudiced, possibly racist,
uncompromising, stubborn elitists. What fun are the playoffs when only
about a quarter of the teams get in?
The Dallas Mavericks’ Erick Dampier decided that the best way to stop
San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker is to foul him really hard, or as he
put it, “Put him on his back,” adding, “The first foul has to tell him
he’s in for a long night.” I wonder if he might consider trying to win
without cheating. It’s frustrating for players who, for their entire
careers, have been playing with guys who were faster and more skilled.
But I can’t help wondering if the best solution to this problem would be
something other than to “put them on their backs.” Perhaps it would be
to get faster and quicker yourself, or perhaps to put on a helmet and
shoulder pads and try another sport.
It’s a strange world out there. But still, sometimes only the sports
side of it makes any sense to me at all.
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