Nathaniel

Shockey

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January 7, 2009

Thinking, Feeling or Drinking? Three Ways to Look at Bailouts and Stimuli

When people hear about the U.S. government’s various stimulus packages and bailouts, there are three types of reactions.

First, there’s the stupid one, which I’m approximating includes about a quarter of Americans – probably the same quarter that just can’t wait to see that new Van Wilder movie. The reaction goes something like this. “So how much are they sending me this time? I need to know so I can set a date for the party, which will undoubtedly feature massive amounts of alcohol and debauchery.” Actually, only about a quarter of this quarter understands the word “debauchery.”

Second, there is the mixed-feeling one. This group doesn’t really think about what’s going on, it just feels the weight of the situation. My guess is that 100 years ago, this group would have accounted for a very small percentage of Americans. But nowadays, I’m approximating that this group represents two-thirds of the population. Their response goes about like this: “I feel a little bit uneasy about all this bailout talk. It could be good, but it could also be bad. All this conversation about numbers and concretes is giving me a terrible headache.” At this point, members of the mixed-feeling group will either go eat, sleep, rent a movie, watch SportsCenter or poke their new friends on Facebook.

Third, there is the thinking group. If my fourth grade math was correct, then this group represents one-twelfth of the population. Members of this group ask the question all of us should be asking about bailouts and stimulus packages. “Where is this money coming from?” There may be people in this group who occasionally support a bailout or a stimulus package, but hopefully not many. Why? Because anyone with an IQ over 72 knows that a lemonade stand, if it doesn’t make enough to pay for the next batch of lemons and sugar, is a lousy one.

Barack Obama has already called for a multi-hundred billion dollar stimulus package, which, if he were already president, would be about as surprising as a naked protester in San Francisco. But even I’m impressed with how quickly he called for a stimulus package, considering the fact that he’s not even sworn in yet.

So what should we do? I know that first group is already lost in a liquor store, but I think the second group is still salvageable. Quick, before you take a nap, ask the important question. Where is this money coming from?

It’s actually really easy to figure it out. Instead of going to Facebook, just type in on the search bar, “Where does money for a stimulus package come from?” It sounds too easy, but it actually works. Weed out a few lousy answers, and you’ll quickly learn that the money, believe it or not, does not magically appear out of Obama’s nose when he sneezes. It is difficult to know exactly where every last penny comes from, but here are two answers about which most economists seem to agree.

1)       The money often comes from Government Bonds, or Treasury Bonds, Bills, etc. Did you ever watch Dumb and Dumber? Remember the part when Harry and Lloyd found a bunch of money in a suitcase, and went on a wild spending spree? Remember when they handwrote IOUs in the amount of everything they purchased to give to whomever the money originally belonged? I’ll admit, when I first saw this movie, I had no idea that it was the Farrelly brothers’ sequel to Huxley’s Brave New World. But to the extent of my understanding, the actions of the two exaggeratedly dumb characters in Dumb and Dumber are not substantially different from those of our federal government when it sells bonds.

2)       America is borrowing money from China. This seems a lot like borrowing from the mob. Seriously, great idea, elected officials. You’re really knocking this one out of the park.

So to everyone from group two who felt funny about the whole thing, there’s your reason. We’re acting like the two main characters of a Farrelly brothers flick, and we’re also establishing debt with a communist country.

And do you want to know why? Because no president wants to see anyone starve during his limited time in office. No president wants to be remembered as the guy who refused to bail out people who honestly needed to be bailed out (at the time). Either that, or our officials are simply too stupid to realize that it’s OK when things are very bad. Often, they have to be very bad in order to get better.

I think we have too many presidents coming out of group two. They feel bad for members of  the United Auto Workers, or for families who grew up in crime-infested, seemingly impossible situations. But instead of asking, “What can I do to minimize these situations for the next hundred years?” they throw really big numbers with attached dollars signs at the situation, feeling that they are doing the right thing.

The good news is that anyone can switch groups whenever they want. So President-elect Obama, whenever you’re ready, you’re welcome to join the twelfth of Americans who use their brains as well as their hearts.

© 2009 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

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