Nathaniel

Shockey

Read Nathaniel's bio and previous columns here

December 10, 2008

Dear Santa: You’re Who? OK, Give Me My Money Back

Dear Santa,

Did you really get GM what he wanted this year? Hasn’t he been naughty for several years now?

What really blows my mind is not that GM failed to get what he deserved, but that you actually exist. I guess this makes me one of your elves, even though I am plain lousy at arts and crafts.

All this time, parents have been wrestling with how to handle this Santa business with their kids. Should I lie and play along? Should I tell them it’s a ploy retailers use to get their hands on hard-earned money, only to be called a Scrooge or The Grinch? Finally we have our answer. You do exist! And as soon as we start earning money, we send you a substantial tax to avoid jail.

But if I can be totally honest, Santa, you seem more like a mobster than a jolly old saint bouncing around handing out candy canes and puppies.

I understand that you hire people to protect us from bad guys. This is why I send you money. But I’m a bit shocked at your growing tendency to take money from guys like me and give it to guys like GM and WaMu, who have been living large way too long. Why should they get my money? What are they doing for me? GM and WaMu have been doing business with guys like me for a long time and we haven’t needed your help at all. They get our money when they earn it. And with all due respect, I don’t think they’ve been earning it recently. All you should have given them was a lump of coal each.

I liked it a lot more when I had no idea where Santa got his resources. If I had known that a bunch of guys in Washington had been wearing the Santa hats all this time, I would have written completely different sorts of Christmas lists. Instead of:

• A dog
• Movies
• Games
• A Jimmy Rollins jersey
• A Philadelphia championship
• A bigger TV

My lists would have looked like this:

Dear Santa, I want my money back.

By the way, since this is the only letter I’ll be sending you this year, consider that my list. Stop giving my money to people who haven’t earned it.

Sincerely,

Nathaniel Shockey,

Disgruntled Elf

P.S. When you bounce around, handing out billions of dollars to failed business people, at least remember to say “Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas!” Or you could even try, “Ho Ho Ho, if I give you this money would you please get your limo out of my garage? Just bring the jet next time.”

P.P.S. If you’re not really a fat guy with a white beard and a red suit, then who the hell’s been eating the cookies I’ve been setting out every Christmas Eve?

P.P.P.S. Is it John Murtha?

© 2008 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

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