August 11, 2009
To See Or
Not to
See:
The American Man's Field Guide to Looking, Leering And Ogling
Last week I
mentioned that men can't help looking at women, especially when a little
bit of cleavage is involved. I admit that this is about as startling as
saying that the sun rises in the
east or that Glenn Beck is daisy-plucking, talking-to-imaginary-hummingbirds
crazy. Still, it had to be said.
Now we are going to explore ways for men to follow their natural
instinct to peek without getting pepper sprayed.
To start with, try to understand that to some extent this is all mostly
a matter of being polite. A woman, unlike a man, generally has a pretty
good idea what she is wearing and what it looks like. And unless she was
raised by wolves (female ones), you can be fairly sure that she knows
about guys and cleavage.
This means that if she has The Girls on display, she pretty much expects
any normal healthy guy to look. It's just that, having that pesky female
tendency toward subtlety and nuance, she doesn't want you to look too
much.
So step one is to try not to be completely obvious. When catching that
first tantalizing glimpse, you should avoid doing a triple-take,
stomping your foot, flapping your arms and shouting, "Za-za-za zowie!"
My guess is that this is just the sort of thing that would rub almost
any girl the wrong way.
Instead, stay calm. Take a few deep breaths. Keep your eyes above the
neck while you regain your composure and develop some sort of strategy.
You might want to try to find and concentrate on a unique feature on the
woman's face to help you stay focused, like a mole or a Maori battle
tattoo.
You have to be a little bit careful not to linger too long in this
phase. If you just stand there staring at her Maori battle tattoo and
completely ignoring The Girls, she will begin to think either that you
are deranged, or that she has a chunk of spinach in her teeth. So take
your time, but get on with it.
A main element of your plan should be deception. This might be something
as simple as wearing a pair of sunglasses. Those big old "Billy Bob The
Deputy Sheriff Who Gave You A Ticket Just Outside Diphtheria Springs,
Alabama" mirrored aviators are especially good for this. They will let
you go ahead and stare away while she touches up her mascara in the
reflection.
If you are not already wearing sunglasses, though, you might find it
awkward to run out to the car to get them. Especially if it's nighttime.
If you can't come up with some logical alternative, like putting on a
handy pair of cardboard 3-D glasses or a welder's mask, you'll have to
resort to misdirection.
The object of misdirection is to get the woman looking at something else
long enough for you to grab your peek. Try shouting something like,
"Say, isn't that Christian Bale over there showing Johnny Depp and
Orlando Bloom how to play beach volleyball?"
Well, how do you know she'll never buy it, if you don't try it?
The important thing to remember is not to be greedy. Once you've had
your look, go ahead and move along to the next level of interpersonal
discourse. Like, just to throw out a radical alternative, you could
engage in some sort of constructive, meaningful conversation.
Or, you could go fetch those shades.
What I've
Learned So Far...
by Mike Ball is a syndicated feature distributed exclusively by North
Star Writers Group. If you enjoy this work, please contact your
local newspaper's editors and ask them to carry it.
Copyright ©2009
Michael Ball. Distributed exclusively by North Star Writers Group.
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