ABOUT US  • COLUMNISTS   NEWS/EVENTS  FORUM ORDER FORM RATES MANAGEMENT CONTACT

Mike

Ball

 

 

Read Mike's bio and previous columns here

 

August 11, 2009

To See Or Not to See: The American Man's Field Guide to Looking, Leering And Ogling

 

Last week I mentioned that men can't help looking at women, especially when a little bit of cleavage is involved. I admit that this is about as startling as saying that the sun rises in the east or that Glenn Beck is daisy-plucking, talking-to-imaginary-hummingbirds crazy. Still, it had to be said.

Now we are going to explore ways for men to follow their natural instinct to peek without getting pepper sprayed.

To start with, try to understand that to some extent this is all mostly a matter of being polite. A woman, unlike a man, generally has a pretty good idea what she is wearing and what it looks like. And unless she was raised by wolves (female ones), you can be fairly sure that she knows about guys and cleavage.

This means that if she has The Girls on display, she pretty much expects any normal healthy guy to look. It's just that, having that pesky female tendency toward subtlety and nuance, she doesn't want you to look too much.

So step one is to try not to be completely obvious. When catching that first tantalizing glimpse, you should avoid doing a triple-take, stomping your foot, flapping your arms and shouting, "Za-za-za zowie!" My guess is that this is just the sort of thing that would rub almost any girl the wrong way.

Instead, stay calm. Take a few deep breaths. Keep your eyes above the neck while you regain your composure and develop some sort of strategy. You might want to try to find and concentrate on a unique feature on the woman's face to help you stay focused, like a mole or a Maori battle tattoo.

You have to be a little bit careful not to linger too long in this phase. If you just stand there staring at her Maori battle tattoo and completely ignoring The Girls, she will begin to think either that you are deranged, or that she has a chunk of spinach in her teeth. So take your time, but get on with it.

A main element of your plan should be deception. This might be something as simple as wearing a pair of sunglasses. Those big old "Billy Bob The Deputy Sheriff Who Gave You A Ticket Just Outside Diphtheria Springs, Alabama" mirrored aviators are especially good for this. They will let you go ahead and stare away while she touches up her mascara in the reflection.

If you are not already wearing sunglasses, though, you might find it awkward to run out to the car to get them. Especially if it's nighttime. If you can't come up with some logical alternative, like putting on a handy pair of cardboard 3-D glasses or a welder's mask, you'll have to resort to misdirection.

The object of misdirection is to get the woman looking at something else long enough for you to grab your peek. Try shouting something like, "Say, isn't that Christian Bale over there showing Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom how to play beach volleyball?"

Well, how do you know she'll never buy it, if you don't try it?

The important thing to remember is not to be greedy. Once you've had your look, go ahead and move along to the next level of interpersonal discourse. Like, just to throw out a radical alternative, you could engage in some sort of constructive, meaningful conversation.

Or, you could go fetch those shades.   
 

What I've Learned So Far... by Mike Ball is a syndicated feature distributed exclusively by North Star Writers Group. If you enjoy this work, please contact your local newspaper's editors and ask them to carry it.

                     
Copyright ©2009 Michael Ball. Distributed exclusively by North Star Writers Group.

 

Click here to talk to our writers and editors about this column and others in our discussion forum.

 

To e-mail feedback about this column, click here. If you enjoy this writer's work, please contact your local newspapers editors and ask them to carry it.

 
This is Column # MB143. Request permission to publish here.
Op-Ed Writers
Eric Baerren
Lucia de Vernai
Herman Cain
Dan Calabrese
Bob Franken
Lawrence J. Haas
Paul Ibrahim
David Karki
Llewellyn King
Gregory D. Lee
David B. Livingstone
Bob Maistros
Rachel Marsden
Nathaniel Shockey
Stephen Silver
Candace Talmadge
Jessica Vozel
Jamie Weinstein
 
Cartoons
Brett Noel
Feature Writers
Mike Ball
Bob Batz
Cindy Droog
The Laughing Chef
David J. Pollay
 
Business Writers
D.F. Krause