Sweaty Americans from sea to shining sea will be dumping something like
150 million bags of crushed ice over 1.1 billion cans of beer in
coolers, throwing a Diet
Coke
or two in for the wife, and heading for any place where they can find a
little bit of sunshine and a lot of other sweaty Americans. It's how we
like to celebrate our nation’s independence.
Most of us know that our country was founded on the inalienable right to
wear tank tops and flip-flops, eat brats, play Frisbee and develop heat
stroke. In the interest of our long-term success as the ultimate
lawn-party nation, I thought we might take a few minutes here and go
over some of the finer points of the big day.
Hamburgers: These are an essential part of any Fourth of July
celebration. The perfect burgers should be thoroughly cooked over a
charcoal fire that is just slightly warmer than the surface of the sun,
and removed from the flames at the exact moment they reach the point of
succulent charcoal perfection. As an added bonus, if you apply enough
pressure on the bun, you get a quarter-pound
diamond. With cheese.
Hot Dogs: The hot dog has no nutritional value at all, and is classified
along with Twinkies and pretty much anything from Burger King as
simultaneously causing both obesity and malnutrition. This is why
children and adult males love them. On the up side, a hot dog serves as
a pretty good delivery vehicle for horseradish and mustard.
Watermelon: On a hot day, what better way is there to say, "I'm a total
slob"?
Always be sure to cut your watermelon nice and thick, so you can’t eat
it without getting juice all over your shirt and up your nose. If you
are under the age of about 12
(or a guy), you probably enjoy getting into seed-spitting contests.
Sadly, the development of seedless watermelons has seriously endangered
this national pastime.
Potato Salad: Of course it’s good for you. Why else would they call it
“salad?”
Sunscreen:
Be sure you slather on plenty of sunscreen. This is especially important
in case your teenage son waits until you fall asleep in the sun, then
writes “Loser” on your back with SPF 30.
Aloe: For any spots you missed with the sunscreen. If you neglected to
pay attention to the note above, that will be everything except the word
“Loser” on your back.
Fireworks: I love fireworks. I once bought one of those huge colorful
bundles of “Legal Fireworks” at the grocery store. Judging from the
packaging I assumed that I was getting enough “Safe, Legal” firepower to
put on a 60-minute
Independence Day show over the Statue of Liberty.
When I opened it up at home, my arsenal consisted mostly of a variety of
plastic gizmos that made puffs of smoke and little farting sounds. Well,
I figured, at least they are perfectly safe. The most exciting
pyrotechnics in there were the sparklers.
I burned my foot stepping on a sparkler.
The Parade: You can’t celebrate the Fourth without watching your friends
and neighbors line up and march down Main Street. Better yet, march
along with them. Just try not to follow too close behind the horses.
The Flag: The American flag is unique in the world. Contrary to what
some folks seem to think these days, our flag does not stand for any one
political party or point of view. It stands for the rich diversity of
opinions, religions, races and cultural backgrounds that have been
forged into an alloy of liberty that is stronger than any metal. And it
stands for the countless valiant people who,
since July 4, 1776,
have fought and died to preserve that diversity.
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