March 31, 2009

All Hail the Crappy Jobs

Not too long ago I asked my readers to write and tell me about the crappy things they have done over the years to make money. The idea here was that I would get you to do my own crappy job and write this column for me. I got a fairly good cross-section of all the predictable replies to that request – you know, everyday occupations like executioner, road kill scooper, medical experiment subject or telemarketer.

Several people wrote to tell me that the most unpleasant job they’d ever had was shucking corn in the hot sun. I’m sure all the corn-shuckers suffered greatly, but I’d just like to tell these pansies about a friend of mine who, as a teenager in England, was periodically lowered into the sewer in a harness with a high-pressure water hose to “tidy up the pipes.”

Forty years later, all of us are still a bit hesitant about shaking hands with him.

I have a nephew who once had a job installing bedding for dairy cows. I had no idea that dairy cows even used bedding, much less needed to have someone come out to the barn and install it.

The most mind-numbingly awful job I ever had was in the late 1960s, riding “shotgun” for a short-haul truck driver. This driver’s one reason for living was to let women drivers pass our truck, so that as they went by he could look over and get a peek up their skirts.

This pastime was the sole permissible source of conversation when we were in the truck. The only relief I got was when we were making a delivery. While I unloaded the truck, he would share a joint with the warehouse manager and swap stories about every mini skirt on the Interstate.

Now, contrary to my normal journalistic policy, I went ahead and did a little research for this column, and I discovered that a group called Careercast has rated the 10 worst jobs in the United States. In increasing order of worst-ness they are; Iron Worker, Roustabout, Welder, Garbage Collector, Roofer, Emergency Medical Technician, Seaman, Taxi Driver, Dairy Farmer and Lumberjack.

So the worst job in America is Lumberjack, and I find this a little bit surprising. Anyone who has watched one of the current lumberjack-oriented reality shows has witnessed the deep satisfaction these men obviously take from working in closely choreographed teams to completely destroy ancient forests with their chain saws, pausing only to slice off an occasional hand, foot or ear.

The next worst job is Dairy Farmer, which is also kind of surprising. We city folk like to think of the noble toil of the farmer as some sort of deeply soul-satisfying communion with the land. I guess it is the hours that make this one pretty hard to deal with. That and all the whining from the Cow Bedding Installers.

The next job down the line is Taxi Driver. This one actually sounds to me like it might be kind of fun. You get to crash around the streets of a big city like New York in somebody else’s car. Have you ever seen a cabbie getting a ticket? And if you don’t feel like talking to the idiot in the back seat, you just pretend that you only speak Portuguese.

I think the hardest part of being a Seaman would be all that swabbing the deck, dancing the Hornpipe and walking the plank.

I definitely disagree with having Emergency Medical Technician on this list. You just cruise around all night taking care of people with fresh gunshot wounds. What could possibly go wrong with that?

I know from personal experience that Roofing is back-breaking work. On the other hand, Welding is pretty cool for a while, making all those amazing sparks and everything – until your mask fogs up, and you end up welding your watch band to the tank dolly.

I’ve never worked as a Garbage Collector, but it seems like that might not be a particularly good job for a guy like me, who gags on foul odors like dead fish or Axe Body Spray.

I have absolutely no idea what a Roustabout does, other than it involves oil rigs and frequent encounters with EMTs.

Finally, I find it interesting that Careercast finds that Iron Workers, those guys who stroll around and work on girders 50 stories up while they build sky scrapers, have a much better job than Dairy Farmers. I don’t mean to question their research, but I never heard of anyone plunging to certain death from a milking machine.

So all things considered, maybe I’ll keep my job. Writing nonsense is a pretty tough gig, but somebody has to do it.

Copyright ©2009 Michael Ball. Distributed exclusively by North Star Writers Group.

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