January 13, 2009

Here She Comes! Miss Land of Blagojevich!

The current Miss Illinois, Katie Lorenz, just happens to be the daughter of one of my closest friends. This is pretty amazing to me. I’ve known this kid since the key to her ultimate happiness involved nothing more than clean diapers and a Blues Clues sippy cup.

Now, in less than two weeks, she will take the stage in Las Vegas with 51 other drop-dead beautiful young women and compete for the title of Miss America.

Yikes! Think about it – out of 6,538,961 women who live in Illinois, Katie is the one chosen to represent the Land of Blagojevich in this year’s Pageant of Pageants. And the thing is, she is absolutely the best choice they could have made.

Now I have to admit that I have not always been completely in tune with the whole pageant thing. My opinion was pretty heavily – and unfairly – biased by a few beauty queens who were maybe not the brightest lights in the parking lot – the stunningly homophobic Anita Bryant springs to mind.

Of course we also, too, spent the 2008 presidential campaign, there, with Sarah Palin, who was once “Miss Wasilla,” there, don’t cha’ know. Governor Palin kept us entertained with her skill at what has been characterized as “Pageant Speak” – any time she didn’t know the answer to a question, she would blather in circles around unrelated rehearsed talking points until she ran out of time. Or breath.

But knowing Katie has made me completely revise my ideas. She is an incredibly warm, intelligent, talented, poised and articulate young woman. She is even totally unpretentious. When she’s hanging out around the house, the only hint that she is not just another “girl next door” is the sash and jeweled crown.

Earlier this year, Katie and the other Miss America contenders spent several weeks together taping a Reality Show called “Miss America – Countdown To The Crown.” It airs at 10 p.m. on TLC on the four Friday nights leading up to the Miss America Pageant. We have already seen the first two episodes.

The girls lived aboard the Queen Mary, where they ran a gauntlet of Reality Show Challenges – like a Jeweled Crown scavenger hunt, or an inflatable obstacle course with a giant Slip ‘N Slide, lots of water, and soap bubbles (do you suppose a guy might have designed that one?).

They also got coaching from experts in various aspects of the pageant biz, then participated in mini-contests to test those newly enhanced pageant-biz skills. I, for one, found it intellectually stimulating to watch 52 of the most lovely young women in the world learning the best way to pose in their bikinis.

What I had never considered was how difficult all those pageant skills could be. I guess I just assumed that the whole deal would be as simple as tossing on the old swim trunks, then wandering out on the stage and letting the crowd and the judges have a good look-see. The only tough part would come later, playing the saxophone while tap dancing in a Wonder Woman costume.

It turns out that there is actually a very specific set of sophisticated techniques for doing things like strutting the runway in stiletto heels while looking graceful, holding all your major body parts right where people expect to find them, and praying that a strap doesn’t break.

Not to mention the mental toughness it must take to keep that Miss America Smile lit up through trick questions, setbacks, sore feet, no sleep, cramps and wishing that you could just go out and wolf down a whole cheesecake.

So I will be watching the Miss America program this year with a much greater appreciation for the whole pageant world than I have ever had before. I hope you will too.

Oh, and don’t forget to root for Katie!

Copyright ©2009 Michael Ball. Distributed exclusively by North Star Writers Group.

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