January 6, 2009
2009: The Year in
Preview
So
now the champagne bottles are in the recycling bin, most of the confetti
is in the trash bag and we have bid a fond farewell to the year gone by
as it swirled festively down the old toilet. That means that it’s time
once again for my annual Year In Preview edition.
I
almost didn’t write this one. Not too long ago, I heard from a helpful
reader who pointed out that in all my previous Preview columns, I
had failed to get so much as one thing completely right. He went on to
compare me to the Republican Party, which, according to him, have not
managed to get anything right since the Eisenhower Administration.
I
think that’s a little unfair. I was only nine when Eisenhower left
office.
But anyway, here goes:
January 2009
President Barack Obama is inaugurated the 44th President of
the United States. The ceremony has to be briefly interrupted so that
Secret Service agents can rescue former President George W. Bush, who
wandered off during the invocation and got his tongue stuck to a
flagpole.
Obama’s first executive order is to assign a Special Ops team to locate
the lair of former Vice President Dick Cheney and extract him from the
White House.
February 2009
A
valentine card from Bill O’Reilly, addressed to Ann Coulter, is
discovered in the No Spin Zone. When it is opened, a computer chip in
the card plays My Funny Valentine, while flaming streams of pure
evil shoot out and consume the Fox News studio.
April 2009
To
aid in the nation’s economic recovery, the IRS decides to accept World
of WarCraft gold for tax payments. This brings untold joy to Herb
Saltzman, a Level 80 Orc Warrior who lives in his mom’s basement in
Newark, New Jersey, and it completely baffles pretty much everybody
else.
June 2009
Paris Hilton reads in People magazine that the Rottweiler is the
new Designer Dog. She immediately buys one, names it “Tinkerbelle Zwei”
and is critically mauled when she tries to stuff it into a Louis Vuitton
handbag.
July 2009
CNN is criticized for being racially insensitive when it airs footage of
the Obama family eating watermelon at a Fourth of July picnic. Asked for
comment, President Obama says, “Geez, get over it. I happen to like
watermelon.” Later, the president is overheard telling an aide, “Man,
it’s a good thing they didn’t see my six pack of Colt 45!”
September 2009
Nintendo releases a new game for the Wii system called “Symphonic
Orchestra Hero.” You and up to 100 of your friends stand in for members
of the New York Philharmonic, “playing” instruments like plastic
Stradivarius violins.
On
a related note, a substantial portion of downtown Vienna, Austria
sustained damage from Earth tremors caused by Mozart spinning in his
grave.
November 2009
Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is convicted on 259 counts of
corruption and sentenced to 40 years in federal prison. In a
post-sentencing statement to reporters outside the courtroom he winks,
gives a “thumbs-up” and says, "Well, I’m very, very pleased to be
cleared of any legal wrongdoing, any hint of any kind of unethical
activity there. Very pleased to be cleared of any of that."
Blagojevich is immediately sued for plagiarism by Alaska Governor Sarah
Palin.
December 2009
The holiday season is nearly ruined when an F/A-18 on a
routine patrol flight in the Persian Gulf accidentally fires an AIM
missile at Santa Claus. Santa rolls out into a 6-G turn, deploys a chaff
anti-radar countermeasure (tosses a bag of tinsel out of the sleigh),
and is able to evade the missile.
The F/A-18 pilot is reprimanded by the Navy, and is put on
Santa’s “Really Naughty” list.
Well that’s it for another year. Remember, if any of this
stuff happens, it will all be news to me.
Copyright ©2009
Michael Ball. Distributed exclusively by North Star Writers Group.
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