December 29, 2008

The Ball Enquirer

For the past few weeks my wife has been after me to get our annual Family Holiday Newsletter written. She can be kind of funny that way – she wants me to get them printed up so that she can have all the Christmas cards in the mail before Memorial Day. My problem is that the editors at my syndicate are more demanding about deadlines than she is. So for this week’s column I thought I’d get real creative and kill two birds with one stone. Here is:

The 2009 Ball Enquirer

Well, 2008 has been a long and sometimes difficult year. So far we have managed to hang on through the Summer Olympics, the presidential election and a global recession sparked by the total meltdown of the American financial system. The Olympics were cool, and we are really happy with the way the elections turned out – I can hardly dare to dream what it will be like to have a leader of the free world who knows how to pronounce “nuclear.”

On the other hand, the recession hasn’t been all that much fun. In the past two months alone our retirement fund has lost more than half its value – nearly $11.53!

We’re All Workin' For A Livin'

My wife Nancy’s store, Hands On Leather, is doing better than a lot of the other retailers around these parts. I guess you just can’t keep those hippie chicks down.

My day job at the library is a lot of fun. It’s not even the end of December and we’ve already had one snow day. All I had to do to earn it was put on my pajamas inside out and backwards, then hop from room to room throughout the house singing "Snow Come And Shut Down All The Schools" to the tune of the Beatles' "Why Don't We Do It In The Road."

The weekly column, What I've Learned So Far, is going strong. Sometime in the next six months we would like to release our first compilation book. I’ve even been considering a little bit of spin-off merchandising. What would you think about What I’ve Learned So Far – The Lunch Box?

Lost Voices, the nonprofit corporation we put together to continue our work producing creative programs for incarcerated and at-risk kids, is growing beautifully. Check us out at www.lostvoices.org. We have a dynamic board of directors, we have successfully presented our work to conferences of juvenile justice professionals from all over the country, and we had a profitable second benefit concert on the lake.

I have also discovered the joy of federal tax forms for nonprofit corporations. Contrary to what everybody says, the process is not all that much worse than having flaming bamboo shoots jammed under your toenails.

Nancy’s World

Nancy and I have been married for 33 years now – I’d say this blind date is going pretty well so far. She has been serving on the board of the Plymouth Ice Sculpture Spectacular for about 10 years, which seems like awfully extreme over-compensation for not having an ice swan at our wedding reception.

She is also still performing with the Unity Church of Ann Arbor Choir and the Unity Women’s Ensemble. The Ensemble is about to release their first CD, and they are looking for a new name for their group – I’m thinking they probably won’t like my idea, “Nope, Not Nuns.”

Legends of the Prince

The biggest news in our family this year is that our son Patrick and his girlfriend Shannon got engaged. They had a terrific engagement party, which as near as I can remember involved a lot of bowling and Jäger Bombs. The date is loosely set for next October. I think the only hold-up is finding a church where the ceremony involves more bowling and Jäger Bombs.

Patrick’s company sent him to China for two weeks in March. He spent a week in Nanjing going to meetings and having his picture taken with the power tools his company makes. Then he spent a week in Shanghai working the booth at a trade show and having his picture taken with more power tools.

They are apparently using all the pictures for advertising in Asia. Not too long ago I received a picture of a bus in Shanghai with a billboard on the side featuring a shot of Patrick expertly wielding a power tool of some sort. My Chinese is pretty rusty, but I suspect the copy reads something like, “Even the son of a 10-thumbed American joke writer can look good with Chervon Tools.”

The Hairball Report

The cats are still kicking. Mindy is really starting to get along in years though, which mostly manifests itself in her dining habits. She won’t eat cat food any more – in fact about all she will touch is creamed corn from Old Country Buffet. And she refuses to eat supper after 4:00 in the afternoon.

Libby was spotted briefly in June, then again in early September. National Geographic is considering a documentary in which a team of experts will come to our house and try to determine once and for all whether she really does exist.

Well, that’s it for another year in the Ball Family. Mele Kalikimaka everybody, and Hauoli Makahiki Hao!

The Ball Enquirer is an occasional publication of the Ball Occasional Publishing Company.

Copyright ©2008 Michael Ball. Distributed exclusively by North Star Writers Group.

Click here to talk to our writers and editors about this column and others in our discussion forum.

To e-mail feedback about this column, click here. If you enjoy this writer's work, please contact your local newspapers editors and ask them to carry it.