December 16, 2008
A Few Random Thoughts
About the Holidays
Every year about this time I get to spend some quality time with Santa
Claus. I take the official photographs of the Right Jolly Old Elf’s
encounters with terrified four-year-olds and their stressed-out mothers
(who still have to get the kids to ballet class and hockey practice,
plus figure out where to pick up a spiral sliced ham and something nice
for their husband’s secretary, but first they need to get a decent Santa
shot for that way-past-deadline Family Newsletter).
Every picture I snap represents a micro-documentary dealing with hopes,
dreams, fears, fantasy, avarice, redemption, and the human condition.
That, and the effects of a leaky diaper on red velvet pants.
Some holiday cookies are so sweet that they actually make my head hurt.
Eggnog is the best stuff ever. Always be sure to sprinkle a little
nutmeg on top. And if you add a bit of rum, you will stay nice and warm
if you should decide to, say, liven up the old office party by dancing
your interpretation of the Nutcracker Ballet outside in the snow wearing
nothing but your Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer boxer shorts and a pair
of clip-on antlers.
I
still write out a Christmas Wish List. For the past couple of years, I
have sent an e-mail to the North Pole. Now, I just discovered that I can
Twitter Santa!
I
have never met a Jewish, Muslim or other non-Christian person who
actually got angry about being on the receiving end of a
well-intentioned “Merry Christmas.” That said, it seems like a pretty
simple matter of common courtesy to say something, like “Happy
Holidays,” that would include everyone.
This is why I always wrote off the whole “War On Christmas” deal as just
one more symptom of Bill O’Reilly’s narcissistic personality disorder.
Learning that the idea actually originated with (and is vigorously
advocated by) a white supremacist group called VDare makes the whole
issue a lot more disturbing.
Whatever happened to tinsel? I miss it.
I
wonder how many grandchildren will receive “Barack Obama Collector Coin
Sets” for Christmas this year, with cheek-pinching advice from Grandpa
to “put them away to pay for college someday.” After all, each coin is
“layered in 24k pure gold.”
Not to be a wet blanket here, but I’d just like to point out that you
could have a parking lot full of Hummers layered in 24k pure gold for
about $1.35. In fact, that’s not a bad idea. It beats driving them . . .
The new LED Christmas lights are cool and futuristic. It’s kind of like
ripping the guts out of R2D2 and decorating your tree with them.
There is a house near here owned by a guy who has to be the High Priest
of Inflatable Holiday Decorations. At least I assume it’s a guy, because
no woman I’ve ever known would spend the kind of money we’re talking
about on things that you can’t wear to a dinner party.
He
celebrates every holiday in the year by filling his yard with cool
seasonal stuff, complete with spot lighting and thematic groupings. This
year, in addition to the normal array of blow-up snowmen, Santa sleighs
and manger scenes, he has added a couple of life-sized inflatable deer
standing on their hind legs, dressed in camo and holding what are
presumably Remington Hunter hunting rifles – a cute but vaguely
disturbing sight – especially because the existence of real armed deer
would spell true economic disaster in Michigan, marking the decimation
of the local Budweiser and Slim Jim industries.
Well, there is now just a little more than a week left for us to feel
financially inadequate about Christmas. Cheer up, we’re all in the same
boat – just keep bailing.
Have a safe and blessed holiday season!
Copyright ©2008
Michael Ball. Distributed exclusively by North Star Writers Group.
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