Let’s get one thing straight. I have the same right to privacy as you do.

 

Granted, your attention was important at the beginning, when I signed the contract for my reality show. Your scrutiny was instrumental when I stripped to sell records. But now, you’re just getting annoying.

 

It is none of your business that I proposed to my backup dancer and bought myself the ring. He loves me!

 

I just forget to wear the wedding band sometimes, hectic schedule, you know . . . Oh, don’t bring up the virginity thing again.

 

Originality is important in this business. I don’t pay good money to bleach my hair and enhance my breasts so that I can blend in with the rest of them.

 

So, the virginity, was like, important to me and all, but then one of my wannabes picked up on it. Her dad was like a pastor or something, so I guess she had some advantage there.

 

But I’m totally a Christian too. Didn’t you see my first video? Hello, that Catholic school girl outfit had a deeper message.

 

Anyway, she’s the one getting the divorce now. Her husband’s been spotted with a 19-year-old and she didn’t sign a prenup.

 

Yeah, I know. I guess some women are just so blinded by what they think is love they make stupid decisions.

 

So as I was saying, people are just so up in my face no matter what I do. They didn’t even leave me alone when I was pregnant.

 

I know there was a whole, huge upheaval about me not being ‘sanitary’ and all, but I had blisters and I really had to go to the bathroom. I think that’s something every American can sympathize with.

 

So, anyway. Then I had my first baby, and people got all up in my grill.

 

I think that most people are secretly jealous because their infant’s picture couldn’t get a co-worker’s attention, much less $4 million.

 

As to the constant criticism I have received about my capability as a parent . . . I may have made some mistakes, I know that.

 

I admit that I had some idea that maybe riding with an infant in my lap while people are taking pictures of me wasn’t good, but I just wanted the baby close to me so that the photographers wouldn’t take shots of him.

 

I don’t know what I would do if something happened to him, you know? His well-being is my primary concern.

 

I know it may not look like it when I almost dropped him in front of that hotel, but I was trying to balance the baby and a drink. And like I said, it’s times like that that make me want to get a gun.

 

What do you mean why?

 

So that I can protect the baby, duh.

 

What the hell do you mean ‘Who will protect the baby from me?!’

 

I’m an excellent mother. Any of my mannies can attest to that. I’m also a devoted wife and my husband and I are very close. I know that we haven’t been photographed together since March, but I think my second pregnancy proves that our relationship is strong.

 

Why would I be afraid of him leaving me? The fact that he did it to that other woman proves nothing. She was just his baby mama. I’m the one he loves.

 

People don’t know what it’s like to be me. But our family wants to share what our household is like with the world. My husband’s single is a brilliant reflection.