I sympathize with children with difficult names. To date, the only stranger who has pronounced my name correctly was a Starbucks barista showing off her knowledge of Italian (“hazelnut latte for Loo-CHI-ya”).

 

My peers would sing the Chia Pet jingle during recess and teachers would glare at me when I corrected them. Consequently, when I read of yet another celebrity child scarred by an atrocious name I cannot help but think that the parents are conspiring against the kid.

 

The baby girl Angelina Jolie bore this weekend in Namibia was named Shiloh. I’m sure it means something very deep in a foreign language, but the kid’s going to live in the States if Mommy and Daddy want to keep on making the money they need to pay off foreign governments for privacy. 

 

I assume they were trying to keep up with the diversity in the household, Maddox and Zaharra are names that must be lived up to. But naming your child after what brings to mind a dog from children’s literature may not be the direction to take. Considering the high potential for playground teasing, they may as well have named her McGruff.

 

The usually unconventional Ms. Jolie seems to be following a Hollywood trend from quite some time ago. Kim Bassinger’s daughter is Ireland. (Wait until the she gets to college.  Saying “I was in Ireland for St. Patrick’s Day” to his buddies will gain a guy a completely different kind of recognition.)  

 

Mia Farrow went with Lark Song for one of her daughters. Plenty of harassment due there, but I’ll leave the girl alone, I assume Woody Allen would hate the competition.

 

Spike Lee named his baby girl Satchel. Lee is a very smart guy, so we can assume that this also has some mystical meaning. Nevertheless, in the contemporary world it is a term thrown around in fashion magazines to describe the latest designer purse. And how big it is inside and how long it lasts. You wouldn’t want your child getting confused with that, would you?

 

Celebrities picked up on this trend again over the past few years. Casey Affleck, Ben’s brother, went with Indiana August. Courtney Cox Arquette and her husband David named their daughter Coco. Once again, a great name for a dog (preferably small and fluffy).

 

Gwyneth Paltrow gave birth to Apple Martin. While the media have exhausted all the ‘Apple Martini’ jokes, the kid still has to live with it. It’s actually cute for something small and bubbly, but suppose she decides to be a criminal lawyer. Counselor Apple Martin does not sound like someone who will get you parole.

 

I would say something about Suri Cruise too, but it’s Tom. Explaining his child’s name is one of the last weird things that man has to explain.

 

So why the need to be so outrageous when naming a child? Maybe it is the parent’s need for attention. It makes them feel original, it gets them press coverage.

 

On the other hand, maybe they want to make sure that the child has something special to them, so that they do not develop an inferiority complex in the shadow of Mommy’s Oscar and Daddy’s Grammy.

 

When you are born with a silver spoon in your mouth, wearing Gucci at three months and getting birthday parties that run into the hundreds of thousands of dollars, you need something to keep you grounded.

 

Being told to roll over by your fellow fourth graders should do the job.