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Jamie
Weinstein
Read Jamie's bio and previous columns
August 11, 2009
Senator SpongeBob
SquarePants? Hey! Al Franken Became Senator!
Last month, Al Franken, famed for his dazzling performance in the comedy
“classic” Stuart Saves His Family, became a United States senator
after finally emerging triumphant over Norm Coleman in a months-long
legal battle in Minnesota’s contested 2008 Senate race.
In
the wake . . . excuse me? What’s that? Oh, I said Stuart Saves His
Family. Franken wrote and starred in it. Never heard of it? Oh,
don’t worry. No one has.
Anyway, in the wake of Franken’s narrow electoral success, actor Alec
Baldwin stated that he too would like to enter elective politics,
possibly by moving to Connecticut to run against Sen. Joe Lieberman.
With Baldwin’s statement, the flood gates appear to be opening as stars,
former stars and people who thought they were stars from around the
entertainment world are coming forward in droves to voice their
intention to seek elective office. While each star has chosen to enter
politics for different reasons, their message is the same: If Al Franken
can do it, why not me?
“It’s time to do something for this country, this universe, that has
done so much for me, and if Al Franken can be elected senator, then I
mean come on,” former television star ALF told me in an exclusive
interview. “Look, I have been out of the spotlight for sometime now. But
I have been watching what has been going on in this country. Frankly,
aliens – legal or illegal – are just not being treated appropriately.
Because of my fame, I can make a difference for my people.”
ALF didn’t explicitly say what party he is registered as, but he
certainly left a hint.
“I don’t want to say much more than I have for now,” he said. “But let’s
just say one doesn’t travel the galaxy to it make to America because
they are a Democant.”
But ALF isn’t the only name preparing to throw their hat into the ring.
“Yeah, I have been thinking about mounting a campaign ever since it
appeared that Al Franken could actually become a U.S. Senator,” said the
vertically challenged TV star Wee-Man in an exclusive interview. Famed
for his antics in the ever-so-elegant MTV show Jackass, Wee-Man
is ready to bring change that you can believe in.
“In the 1970s, you could go to any bar, or any bar worth going to I
should say, and find much fun being had through midget tossing,” Wee-Man
explained. “It was good fun. Now, the sport is politically incorrect and
even illegal in many states. With the unemployment level in the midget
community at all-time highs, midget tossing is a way for midgets to get
working again. You can use your height to play basketball, why can’t
some of us who are vertically challenged use our height in other ways?”
Slamming his fist down on the table, Wee-Man concluded, “I want to work
for Americans who are overlooked by other Americans, especially those
who are overlooked because they are too small to easily be seen.”
Despite their passionate commitment to political causes, celebrities can
sometimes face challenges getting elected to political office,
especially outside of California. For all that Celebriticians start with
in terms of name recognition, they must prove in terms of convincing
voters that they are serious in their commitment to serve.
Aiming to become both the first sponge and first inanimate object ever
elected to any office in the United States, SpongeBob SquarePants of
Nickelodeon’s eponymously named hit television show declared to me in an
interview that he is up to the task. He plans to challenge California
Sen. Barbara Boxer in 2010.
I
asked SpongeBob why he would give up a cushy job as an animated sponge
to enter the political fray.
“For starters, I am surrounding by kids all day. Do you have any concept
of what that is like? This job is literally wringing me dry,” SpongeBob
said, straight faced.
When I pressed SpongeBob to explain what makes him think Californians
are ready to elect a sponge to high office, SpongeBob replied crudely
“Al Franken was elected to the Senate, wasn’t he? Well, if Stuart
Smalley can be elected, then anything is f#!@ing possible.
A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G.”
SpongeBob is certainly optimistic about his prospects. And if
Californians can overlook his odd propensity to sleep in a Pineapple at
the bottom of the ocean, then there is every reason to believe that he
can wipe the floor with his opponents.
If
SpongeBob makes it to Washington, he may not be alone. In a
not-too-distant day, the Capitol could be filled with Celebriticians.
Perhaps we will have a Sen. Ashton Kutcher or a Rep. George Clooney or
even – God help us – a Speaker of the House Janeane Garofalo. One day,
the Baldwins may replace the Kennedys as the political dynasty of note.
Sure, these Celebriticians could turn out to be like the greatest
president of the 20th Century, a Celebritician himself,
Ronald Reagan. Yeah, sure they could. Sure.
But as of now, until the Celebriticians hoards break down the gates, we
are left for the time being with just Sen. Al Franken. Senator.
Al. Franken. Say those words a few times to yourself out loud and
then go bang your head against a wall.
© 2009
North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.
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