Jamie

Weinstein

Read Jamie's bio and previous columns

May 12, 2009

Judge Wapner and Other 'Out of the Box' Suggestions for the Supreme Court

Ever since news leaked that Supreme Court Associate Justice David Souter would be stepping down from the High Court in June, political junkies and legal enthusiasts have been speculating on who might be President Obama’s pick to replace him. The smart money, apparently, is on a woman since Ruth Bader Ginsberg is the only one of those on the court currently.

While the debate rages over whether Obama will pick Second Circuit Appeals Judge Sonia Sotomayor, former Harvard Law Dean Elena Kagan, or someone entirely different, I thought I would offer my unconventional advice for the president while he is pondering this weighty decision. What follows are a few “out of the box” suggestions (in no particular order).

Ann Coulter 

Wouldn’t it be grand if Ginsberg got a female companion on the court who had something in common with her other than her gender? You may say that there could be nothing in common between the liberal Ginsberg and the firebrand conservative Coulter. Wrong! Coulter and Ginsberg both went to Cornell (albeit in two completely different eras), which would surely provide for splendid conversation while the two are in between heated ideological confrontations.

What’s more (and may be shocking to some) is that Coulter actually has some real qualifications for the court. After graduating from Cornell, Coulter earned her law degree from the prestigious University of Michigan Law School where she was an editor of the law review. After law school, she clerked for a Court of Appeals judge, worked on the Senate Judiciary Committee and worked as a constitutional lawyer.

One can only imagine how much more entertaining reading the opinions of the court will be with the acerbic Justice Coulter on the bench.

Judge Joseph Wapner

President Obama has said that he wants a justice on the Supreme Court who has “empathy.” In some respects, this is another way of saying he wants someone who is a man (or woman preferably) of the people. Yes, he wants someone who feels the pain of the common man and can relate to their problems.

Well, if you want someone of the people, there is no better choice than the man who presided over the People’s Court. At 89, Judge Wapner and Associate Justice John Paul Stevens (also 89 years young) can discuss their memories of the Roaring ‘20s when they are not writing their opinions.

Judge Harold T. Stone

What Judge Harold T. Stone lacks in being a real human being, he makes up for in pizzazz. The way Judge Stone handled his role as the always comedic night shift judge in the 1980s sitcom Night Court was simply masterful. It is always nice for a president to say he named a “first” something or other to the bench, and Obama would certainly make some Supreme Court history by picking Stone. Not only would Stone be the first fictional character ever to sit on the U.S. Supreme Court, but he would also be the first amateur magician. And by putting a magician on the court, Obama very well may get the Supreme Court justice of his dreams – someone who can magically read something into the constitution that isn’t there.

Sen. Robert Byrd

Besides being a 1953 graduate of American University’s Washington School of Law, the Democratic senator is also a former Kleagle and Exalted Cyclops of the Klu Klux Klan. This may, after all, be the last opportunity for an Exalted Cyclops to be nominated to the Supreme Court. It’s odd, but you just don’t run into many Exalted Cyclopes these days.

On second thought, perhaps Byrd may not be the best choice for the post. He may still be angry that the Dred Scott decision is no longer enforced.

Jim “The Hammer” Shapiro

This is a name that President Obama may not be aware of, but I suggest the president learn it ASAP. I first learned about Mr. “The Hammer” Shapiro when I was a college student in upstate New York. He was a constant figure on my television screen with powerful commercials about his courtroom prowess. Look, you don’t get the nickname “The Hammer” without being a tough guy, even if you gave the nickname to yourself. As one of his many informational commercials declares, Shapiro not only “sues drunks,” but he “hunts them down and ring[s] out every dollar.” That’s the kind of guy we need on the High Court. So what if he was suspended by the Florida Bar for his shiesty commercials?

But besides his toughness and sleaze-bag commercials, Shapiro will hopefully ring in a much needed new era to the High Court. An era, that is, of nicknames. It is about time our Supreme Court justices have nifty nicknames like Ruth “Darth” Bader Ginsberg and John “Julia” Roberts.

I know. I know. The Supreme Court is no laughing matter. But with Arlen Specter’s defection, Obama basically has a filibuster proof Senate as soon as Al Franken (this, sadly, isn’t a joke) takes his seat in the contested Minnesota Senate Election. Translation: President Obama is in the driver’s seat. I hope he nominates someone reasonable, but he could nominate Elmer Fudd (quite a good lawyer, actually) and not have much of problem getting his nomination confirmed. 

Elections, my friends, have consequences. Good thing the conservatives on the court are young and sprightly.

© 2009 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

Click here to talk to our writers and editors about this column and others in our discussion forum.

To e-mail feedback about this column, click here. If you enjoy this writer's work, please contact your local newspapers editors and ask them to carry it.

This is column # JW069. Request permission to publish here.