Jamie

Weinstein

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April 7, 2009

As Long As You’re Firing, Mr. President . . .

In the inaugural episode of The Apprentice: Washington D.C., Barack Obama channeled Donald Trump last week by telling General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner “you’re fired,” even if not in so many words. It was an astonishing move that saw the Commander in Chief in effect claim the role of President Pink Slip.

In fairness to the president, there is some legitimacy for him to have a say in who runs GM insofar as GM has accepted government loans and the company is seeking more government cash to stay afloat. I am no fan of this, but so long as the government is considering putting cash into the company, it is theoretically legitimate for the president to say that there are conditions on that money and that one of those conditions is that the current CEO has got to go. 

Still, seeing the president push out an American CEO just feels wrong. If we go down this route, who knows what could be next. What other figures should be nervous over the possibility that they too could feel the wrath of President Pink Slip?

Judging by the way Barack Obama has been treating British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, the British politician may have reason to worry. Nixing plans to do a Rose Garden press conference when Brown was in D.C. a few weeks ago, and then giving Brown the all-so-original gift of 25 DVDs, Obama seemed to be hinting that so-called “special relationship” between the U.S. and Britain is dunzo. But what if Obama takes this one step further and axes Brown?
 

You might ask by what authority could Obama do that? Well, using the Obama standard, one might say that America underwrites Europe’s security and therefore has the authority to hire and fire its leaders. I wouldn’t make that argument, but at this point who knows. Watch your back Gordy.

But if not Gordon Brown, what about the Queen? Obama may feel that the Queen is too British and want a more reliable ally in that important ceremonial role. Luckily, if he does fire Queen Elizabeth, America has just the man to fill the job: John Goodman. After all, Goodman has the experience having served as American shlub turned British monarch in the fictional but all too realistic 1991 film King Ralph.

While Obama is trotting round firing people, perhaps he could do the world a favor by firing drunken fraternity kids’ favorite comedian Dane Cook. Just ban him from comedy. I don’t care how he justifies it. He could even make Cook the new CEO of GM for all I care. Cook makes one wonder if a comedian’s fame is inversely proportional to his talent.

Obama should also probably fire Madonna. The time has long passed for her to be dancing around in skimpy outfits. It is scary and revolting and it has to end. Only a near deity like Obama can claim the type of authority necessary to force the once-great performer into retirement.

Again, I know it would be hard to justify both of these firings, but I think I have got Obama’s rationale. Government officials go to see these performers. The government pays these officials. Ergo, the government gives money to Madonna and Dane Cook and has every right to fire them. How do you like that train of logic?

Meanwhile, not to say the Golden One made a mistake, but is it too soon to admit that an error has been made with the appointment of Tim Geithner? I think it is time for change, President Obama. Don’t worry, though. I know exactly the man to replace Geithner. Allow me to introduce you to Mr. Matthew Lesko.

If you have ever watched TV late at night, you are surely aware of Matthew Lesko. He is the infomercial guru who parades around in colorful suits emblazoned with question marks. He is America’s premier preacher of how to bilk the government for “free” money as author of such American classics as Gobs and Gobs of Free Stuff, Free Money to Quit Your Job, and 1001 Free Goodies and Cheapies, among many other must reads. 

Obama is passing out free money from the government like it grows on trees to everybody and anybody who claims to need it. Matthew Lesko has been teaching people how to get such money for years with his colorful television antics. Isn’t this a match made in heaven? Could there be a better face of the Treasury Department than the effervescent Matthew Lesko? I don’t think so. I can only imagine how much better Treasury Department press conferences will be with Lesko jumping around making it rain cold hard cash. And the question marks on his suits are the perfect symbol for the Obama Administration. They just scream: “We have no idea what we’re doing!”

Taking a step back, perhaps the president should consider that, despite his impressive experience in the auto industry (he has driven a car before) and general business experience (he may have run a lemonade stand as a boy), he may not know all that much about running GM or any American company for that matter.

I don’t want to defend GM. They probably should fail. But the government shouldn’t be in the business of running American companies from Washington, D.C., and that includes hiring and firing their CEOs. As smart as the bureaucrats in Washington are or think they are, they aren’t smart enough to try to micromanage American industry. This is a dark and dangerous road for the government to proceed upon. 

© 2009 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

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