Jamie

Weinstein

Read Jamie's bio and previous columns

January 20, 2009

Caroline Kennedy’s Application Revealed!

Recently, the Capitol Hill newspaper Roll Call (where I was a fellow in 2006-2007) uncovered the application New York Governor David Paterson is asking candidates interested in filling Hillary Clinton's soon-to-be vacant Senate seat to complete. As it becomes increasingly likely that Gov. Paterson will pick Caroline Kennedy for the job, I have uncovered the application she filled out.  What follows is Ms. Kennedy’s application, which, of course, in reality is nothing more than a humorous (and admittedly completely unfair) lampoon of a lady who I am sure is a perfectly nice person – but someone who shouldn't be appointed (key word) the next senator from New York.

PERSONAL

Full Name: Caroline Kennedy (you know the daughter of former President John F. Kennedy)

Email Address: PrincessCarolineofCamelot@ImJFKsDaughter.com

Please list your addresses for the last 10 years: Application space is not sufficient to list completely. Let's just say that John McCain's seven houses will look quite meager in comparison.

Father's Name: John Fitzgerald Kennedy (you may have heard of him if you often fly into the airport in New York City that is named after him!).

Mother's Name: Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis (I presume that name rings a bell as well?)

Do you have a driver's license? LOL. Can you say chauffeurs?

Please list all persons currently living in your household: Do I need to include all the help?

EMPLOYMENT HISTORY

Please attach a current resume, listing your employment history: Not Applicable.

Have you ever had an employment discrimination or sexual harassment charge brought against you? Last name's Kennedy, what do you think?

GOVERNMENT SERVICE

Identify all elective public offices which you have sought or held. Specify the dates of such service. See answer for professional experience (hint: The answer is nada).

EDUCATIONAL BACKGROUND

Identify each undergraduate institution you attended, and any degree(s) received. I received a bachelor's degree from a little institution in Boston. Actually, it is located in Cambridge to be precise. It's called Harvard, ever hear of it? Boo Yah!

Identify each graduate institution or professional school you attended, and any degree(s) received. Yes. JD from Columbia Law School (if you are keeping count that adds up to two Ivy League degrees).

Just so you know, I did not receive a master's degree in public policy from the JOHN F. KENNEDY School of Government at Harvard, the only school at HARVARD named after an individual. Did I mention that John F. Kennedy was my father? Well, he was. Just wanted to make sure you knew that.

Were you ever expelled, suspended, placed on probation, or subject to any other disciplinary action while attending any undergraduate or graduate institution? Ha. I would have liked to see them try to expel me (though I hear from Uncle Teddy that he tried to start a Kennedy tradition of expulsion for cheating at Harvard).

ORGANIZATIONAL AFFILIATIONS

Identify any professional/business, civic, educational, charitable, fraternal or recreational (i.e. country club or tennis club) organizations of which you are a member. Oh, Geez. This will take forever. Do me a favor and just look through the New York society pages, will ya? Thanks.

To your knowledge, are you or have you ever been a member of any organization that restricted admission on the basis of race, color, religion, age, national origin, disability?

Um, yes, yes, yes (even though the husband's a Hebrew), yes, yes, and yes. Six for six. Not bad.

FINANCIAL INFORMATION

Please list all corporations, partnerships, trusts and other business entities with which you or your spouse/partner has been affiliated as an officer, trustee, partner or holder of a significant equity or financial interest. The financial advisor handles that, but I believe we have major stakes in Lehman Brothers, Enron and World Com. 

Have you or your spouse/partner ever participated in an investment program or partnership that, to your knowledge, was investigated by federal, state or local authorities? This question includes any participation in an investment program run by Bernard L. Madoff lnvestment Securities. Of course we invest money with Bernie. Who doesn't? What's wrong with that? Is there something I should know?

Have you or your spouse/partner ever received a gift of over $5,000 in value? Are we serious here? We call this Christmas at the Kennedy household.

Have you employed any domestic or household help? Uh, of course. How else would the laundry get done?

PERSONAL HEALTH

Please describe your overall health and any medical treatment you are currently receiving, other than routine physical examinations. Botox. Botox. Botox. LOL.

© 2009 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

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