Jamie

Weinstein

Read Jamie's bio and previous columns

November 17, 2008

Mr. President-Elect, Try These Cabinet Choices!

Dear President-Elect Obama,

As I am sure you know, cabinet picking time is my favorite time of the year. It's a shame it only comes once every four years. While for me it only occurs with my imaginary friends, you will actually have the opportunity to appoint real-life people to important positions because you will soon be a real-life president.

As you read this letter, I am confident you are holed up in your Chicago transition office pouring over possible names you could appoint to your Cabinet and other important White House staff positions. I can only imagine the agony you are going through in trying to find the best individuals to fill these key personnel positions. If only you could clone yourself. Since this is not yet scientifically possible, let me offer you a few suggestions on how to proceed in the spirit of bipartisanship that the Obamic era as ushered in. Hopefully, my advice will prove more helpful than the advice of your closest advisors (i.e. Dr. Ayers, Rev. Wright, Minister Farrakhan, Professor Khalidi, etc.)

First, you should get the most important job out the way: White House chef Gordon Ramsay, from Hell’s Kitchen. This is a no brainer. It doesn't matter what you have to pay him, you simply cannot match the efficiency with which he runs his kitchen, and the splendid culinary confections that he can whip up on a moment's notice will certainly satisfy even the most demanding of presidential palates. Furthermore, in appointing a foreigner to such an important position, it will show you to be a true citizen of the world. Soft power prophet Joseph Nye will instantly fall in love with you.

I know you have already tapped Robert Gibbs to be your press secretary, but it is not too late to change course. And change, mind you, is something you believe in. It is not that I necessarily have anything against Mr. Gibbs. Rather, there is an infinitely more appealing pick available. She goes by the name the "Obama Girl." You may have heard of her and/or seen her work. The "Obama Girl" has been nothing short of a YouTube sensation, singing love songs to you and campaigning in her own special way for your election. As you are certainly aware, the press secretary doesn't often provide any useful information, so don't you think that the press and the American public deserve a press secretary who is visually appealing, especially during these tough economic times? Mr. President-elect, I assure you that you will win many more friends (if that is possible) in the press with such a choice.

I know your pal Dr. Ayers is angling for Secretary of Education, but before you pick him, why not think of some of the other fine choices that are out there. Jeopardy's Alex Trebek comes to mind. He seems to know an awful lot of things.

Secretary of State is one of the most prestigious positions you have in your cabinet, probably only second in importance to White House chef who, of course, we have already determined should be Mr. Ramsay. I am tempted to recommend Mr. John Bolton for Secretary of State, but my friends warn me that this suggestion will be a non-starter with you (they also said you would be unlikely to appoint George W. Bush even though I thought that would be a real humdinger of a pick). Failing those two options, what do you think about Martin Eisenstadt of the Harding Institute for Freedom and Democracy? Sure, he may not be a real foreign policy expert and his institute may not really exist, but he sure fooled The New Republic and MSNBC.

I know some of your supporters may be urging you to appoint Al Gore as the Environmental Protection Agency administrator. But before you appoint Mr. Global Warming to that role, take a second to consider Captain Planet. His resume is quite impressive, especially the part that says he is a "hero" who can "take pollution down to zero" and the part that notes he will "put asunder bad guys who like to loot and plunder."

Let me strongly advise against appointing either Dennis Kucinich or Jeremiah Wright as Secretary of Defense. This would be almost as bad as appointing Louis Farrakhan as Ambassador to Israel. They would be simply bad decisions that would haunt you for the rest of your presidency. Instead, how about the iconic comedian Gallagher at Defense? Gallagher has been itching to get into politics ever since he ran for Governor of California during the 2003 recall election. Furthermore, when you want to threaten a nation into complying with a particular presidential decree, who better than Gallagher to visually illustrate to them what will happen if they fail to comply using his patented Sledge-o-Matic watermelon demonstration.

As a side note, I was just thinking that if you do create a new Tsar position in your White House, I think it would be kind of neat if you appointed someone from the House of Romanov. It is about time we brought back the Russian monarchy to some position of power, and since we oddly often use the term “tsar” in our government, why not appoint someone who was born for the role.

Whatever decisions you make, Mr. President-elect, I am confident that they will be divinely inspired. After all, you and the Pope are the only two mortals who are infallible. Just remember that despite the obvious temptation, appointing Michael Moore, Barbara Streisand or Ludacris to any position in your administration whatsoever would be ill-advised.

Obamically Yours,

JSW

© 2008 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

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