David J.

Pollay

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November 24, 2008

Let It Pass You By: Letting Go Is Not Good Enough                

Two years after my grandmother passed away, my mom’s father – we called him Bumpa – suffered his fourth stroke. And with it came the acceleration of dementia.  

At times Bumpa would seem completely lucid. He would be his normal, loving, fun self. And at other times, he seemed to be missing something entirely. We would see a side of him never displayed earlier in his life. In these moments he would say things that were insensitive, selfish and unkind. This was not the father my mom knew, and it hurt her. It was as though she had to swallow a bitter pill each time Bumpa acted out. 

Mom tried to do so much for Bumpa. On three separate occasions, Mom asked him to live with us. Mom and Dad would set him up with his own bedroom and bathroom. Mom would cook for him, wash his clothes, and take him around with her. Bumpa would be cared for in every way. Mom loved her father very much.

And each time it seemed that he was going to stay, Bumpa would end up defiantly saying, “Why are you keeping me here? I only want to live in my own home.” The problem was that Bumpa was no longer capable of caring for himself. So Mom and my aunt did whatever they could to arrange the care Bumpa needed. But it was hard to satisfy him. Bumpa just wasn’t himself. He would often lash out if you did not do what he wanted. And this was hard on Mom and her sister.

One weekend Mom and Dad came to visit me in New York City. Mom was particularly distressed about Bumpa. She just could not get him out of her mind. Mom had tried to “let go” of the hurt she had been feeling. Mom read philosophy, she would go for walks, she would talk to my dad and she would share her experiences with me. But the hurt kept coming from Bumpa – faster than Mom could ever let it go. So, one night after we returned to my apartment from dinner, I sat up late talking with Mom. 

I tried to help Mom realize how much she had been doing for Bumpa. I wrote out a list of everything I could think of that she had done and was doing for him. I wanted her to have a list with her at all times that affirmed the wonderful care she was providing for her father. Mom needed to know that she was a good daughter. The list was our evidence that no matter what my grandfather might say during his dementia-induced episodes, Mom was doing all she could for him.

It was then that Mom made the switch in her life. She knew Bumpa was suffering from dementia and that it would only get worse. She knew her father was often not in control of what he thought and said. So whenever he would begin one of his uncontrollable rants, rather than take in his hurtful comments – only to have to “let go” of them later – Mom began to let them “pass by.” She did not take Bumpa to task for everything he said. Whenever she saw her father acting like a garbage truck, she would let him pass by with kindness and love. 

And the more Mom did this with Bumpa, the happier she was. She relieved herself of a great burden. Her love for her father allowed Mom to let the difficult interactions with him pass by, so she could focus on the best of what Bumpa still had to give. And this allowed Mom the freedom to be the best mother, wife, friend and daughter she could be. 

We are happier, and we have more to give to others when we stop taking the bad things in and then having to let them go later. 

Bumpa lived until he was 90 years old. He lived a good life. Bumpa loved his family. His family loved him. And Mom was at peace when he passed away. She had been kind to him. Mom saw the good in him, and let the rest pass her by.

David J. Pollay’s book, Beware of Garbage Trucks!™, is due out this Fall. Mr. Pollay is the creator of The Law of the Garbage Truck™ (www.bewareofgarbagetrucks.com). He is a syndicated columnist with the North Star Writers Group, creator and host of The Happiness Answer™ DVD, and an internationally sought after speaker. Mr. Pollay is the founder and president of the personal coaching and seminar organization, The Momentum Project (www.themomentumproject.com).

© 2008 David J. Pollay. Distributed by North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

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