For all the talk about how people can’t sell their homes, there just
isn’t enough pity for all the poor developers who built speculative
strip malls over the past several years.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You hate strip malls. They’re ugly,
lacking in character and have a tendency to add to snarled suburban
traffic. Some guy built a strip mall on spec and now it’s sitting empty?
Good, you say! Screw him! He’s evil anyway.
You are so harsh. I’m glad I don’t do business with you. Mr. Poor
Speculative Strip Mall Developer had some tough breaks come his way.
First of all, three years ago when he built the strip mall, the economy
was booming (the real one, not the one you read about in the Associated
Press) and there was plenty of capital available for people to use to
start businesses. And people who start businesses need places to work!
Then a couple of things happened. The first was that there was suddenly
no longer any capital available. The second was that people no longer
needed a place to work. Granted, you have to work somewhere, but
you don’t need your own office. I’m sitting in a coffee shop writing
this. (In fairness, the coffee shop is in a strip mall, but I’m not sure
how the coffee shop makes money when people like me buy a $2 cup of
coffee and sit here all day.)
I
just secured a project from a client in Syracuse. An hour earlier, I
worked out the details on a project with a partner in Los Angeles.
Why would I lease space in a strip mall when I can sit here and do all
that? That would be insane, and I am not insane, in spite of what you
know.
So
what are we going to do with all this vacant commercial property? Well,
since we’re in the age of economic stimulus and the like, we need to
think creatively. We need to think of things to do with those properties
that create an economic multiplier, or whatever they call it. I think it
means that when you’re trashing the investment on which you’ve already
lost your shirt, you create paying make-work for someone else.
So
here are a few ideas:
Use them as new
homes for NFL teams. Granted, they are not very big, you can’t fit
that many people inside and it’s kind of hard to throw a bomb when
you have a 15-foot-high roof (let alone punt or kick a field goal).
But you know those $10 million contracts they give quarterbacks in
the NFL? And you know how they need 80,000-seat stadiums, paid for
by taxpayers, to generate the revenue to pay those salaries? Yeah,
well those days are over. So downsize the whole economic structure
of the NFL, move the games into strip malls and save a fortune.
New corporate
headquarters for General Motors. I don’t really think I need to
elaborate on this, except to say that you might be able to stick all
the dealers in there as well.
I hear that things
are so bad now that even some casinos are going bankrupt! That’s a
neat trick. Move the casino to a strip mall, replace the ice
sculptures with cubicle panels and stick your slot machine along the
wall opposite Papa Murphy’s Pizza – you might have a fighting
chance.
Speaking of
downsized operations that might need a new home, if the Obama
defense budget comes out like some people think it will, what will
we need with that gigantic Pentagon?
You may have your own ideas. Mine are surely better, though. After all,
whatever other stupid decisions I’ve made, I was smart enough not to
build a strip mall on spec.
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