D.F.

Krause

Read D.F.'s bio and previous columns

February 6, 2009

Just Because I’m Paranoid Doesn’t Mean My Employees Aren’t Ripping Me

There they are. I can see them out my window. Five of my employees are all walking to lunch together.

I was not invited. This, I do not take personally. There is a perfectly good reason they didn’t invite me. I’m an idiot. And the whole point of the lunch excursion is to discuss this fact.

You sound like you’re taking it personally to me, D.F.!

Shows what you know.

The fact that they are discussing my idiocy is not personal at all. It is strictly business. It is one of the facts of life you deal with when you are a CEO. There is a very good case to be made for the notion that I am an idiot, and they are all over at that Irish/Celtic/whatever place discussing it right now. Oh, they’ll be late getting back. There’s a lot of ground to cover.

Understand, CEOs, employees must do this. It is therapeutic for them. If you tried to stop them, you would only cause the steam to be blown off in some other, less constructive way. Think disgruntled postal worker. You get the picture and it’s not pretty.

First, here’s why I’m an idiot. It’s not complicated:

• I make more dumb decisions than anyone else in the company. But wait, you protest, that’s an unfair measurement because I make all the decisions. That’s true. But fairness has nothing to do with it. But wait, you protest again, don’t I also make some good decisions? Sure. But a good decision takes care of itself, and there’s no reason to discuss it. Besides, employees don’t need to stew over good decisions, except to take a moment to tell you they were all actually their ideas.

• The dumb decisions I make are extremely consequential. When I make a dumb decision, people have to do things over, work late, wait too long for something or maybe even lose their jobs. I’m a bigger idiot because my idiocy matters more.

• Even though I am a complete idiot, I make more money than they do. But wait, you protest, how big an idiot can you be if you make the most money? Isn’t your boss an idiot? I rest my case. This makes my dumb decisions all the more egregious. I should dock my own pay every time I do something stupid, and give it to them. Do I do that? What do you think I am, an idiot?

(I hope you liked the three bullet points.)

If employees don’t go off without me and talk behind my back about what an idiot I am, they won’t be good employees. They will be frustrated and will feel unnaturally muzzled. If you fear employees thinking you are a complete moron, take this advice and don’t forget it: Don’t become a CEO. There is no avoiding it.

And it’s not a bad thing. If they criticize your decisions, it means they care about them being good decisions. When they stop caring, that’s when you’ve got a problem.

Now I know what many of you are thinking: If my employees have a problem with me, I want them to come and tell me to my face!

No you don’t. You think you do, but you don’t. Here’s why you don’t: First of all, much of what they disagree with is inconsequential. It would be a waste of your time to hear about it. You could do it your way or their way and it really wouldn’t make any difference. Second, sometimes they are the idiots, and if you have to hear them out and then reject their advice, you’ve as good as told them that.

Sure, your door should always be open if someone needs to talk to you about something important. But most of the stuff they’re complaining about at the Irish/Celtic/whatever restaurant is so irrelevant, they don’t even think it matters that much.

So when you see them all heading off to lunch, and you think to yourself, “Am I paranoid for thinking they’re all going over there to rip on me?” the answer is: Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not ripping on you.

And be glad they are. While they’re over there taking you apart, you can make some more dumb decisions! Fodder for tomorrow’s lunch.

Click here to talk to our writers and editors about this column and others in our discussion forum.

To e-mail feedback about this column, click here. If you enjoy this writer's work, please contact your local newspapers editors and ask them to carry it.