D.F.
Krause
Read D.F.'s bio and previous columns
October 27, 2008
My Schizophrenic Friend
The Market
I
think my friend is schizophrenic. The way he keeps changing his
demeanor, he can’t possibly be operating with only one personality. I’m
telling you, it’s like a convention in there.
My
friend’s name is The Market. He’s always been a little out there, but
the past couple of weeks, he’s really gone off the deep end. He’s up!
He’s down! His hair is disheveled! I don’t even want to talk about the
entire afternoon he insisted on being called Beezus. It was just weird.
The Market is going through a rough time. I get that. He’s not sure what
his future holds. I’ve known lots of people in that situation – I’ve
been there myself – but I’ve never seen anyone react to the uncertainty
quite like The Market is doing.
“Today I’m selling everything, D.F.! Everything! Sell! Sell! Sell!”
“Are you really sure
you need to sell everything? Isn’t that a little drastic?”
“D.F., they didn’t pass the bailout! We’re all going to be living in
cardboard boxes by the end of next week! I need cash so I can get
curtains to put in mine! Sell!”
“Wait a minute. Don’t
you Wall Street types always tell everyone that investing is a long-term
proposition, and that you’re not supposed to get too freaked out by the
momentary ups and downs of the market?”
“No one really means that!”
“Apparently not. So
what are you going to do? Horde cash? I guess banks are out, eh?”
“Totally out! They’re all going to fail! I’m trying to decide which
pillowcase I can take out of the rotation and use to stuff my cash in.”
“Hey Market! Did you
see? They passed the bailout and they’re going to flood the banks with
cash!”
“Did I! Buy, buy, buy! It’s the time to be in stocks. Invest your money
like never before. With the market down like this, share prices are low
and it’s the perfect time to get in!”
“But what happened to
all your concern about the market crashing? Just because they finally
passed the bailout doesn’t mean it’s necessarily going to work.”
“Buy low, sell high, I always say!”
“Then why do you people
always start selling when other people start selling and the market is
going down?”
“Because what I say is one thing. What I do is another thing entirely.
Words of wisdom sound good, but when it comes right down to it, the only
rational action is complete and utter panic.”
“Well, I never knew any
of this. No wonder I don’t make money in stocks.”
“D.F.! Did you hear? Dana Perino! She said the third-quarter GDP numbers
are going to be ugly!”
“Unlike Dana Perino.”
“Yeah, she’s pretty cute. Hey! Don’t interrupt my panic with your
wisecracks, D.F.! The economy is tanking! I need to sell! Sell! Get out
now! Take my cash and stash it somewhere!”
“Back in that same
pillowcase you were using the other day?”
“Are you kidding me? What I have left could fit in a condom. But it
would get all ooey . . .”
“OK, I don’t think
that’s an image I need. So you’re getting out again, eh?”
“Getting out. It’s too volatile. Too uncertain. I can’t ride it out. I
just can’t. Plus, if Obama gets in, I hear he’s coming after hedge fund
managers. At least 19 of my personalities are hedge fund managers! I’m
screwed!”
“I can see where that
would be a problem. Well, Market, you gotta do what you gotta do. I
guess your investing days are behind you.”
“Oh, hey, D.F., look! There’s Alan Greenspan talking on TV. I wonder if
this is a good time to look at oil futures . . .”
© 2008 North Star
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