February
12, 2007
Which
Department Should Lead? Every!
“Our goal,
on the project management team, is to make this a project-management-led
organization.”
So said
Pete from project management.
A
project-management-led organization. I see. Wait. No. I don’t. What
exactly does that mean? What would a “project-management-led
organization” be like?
“It means
the people who are leading you are deadline- and process-driven, D.F.
Trust me, it’s just what the company needs.”
Sounds just
like what a convicted serial killer needs. Just as lethal as a firing
squad, and far more annoying.
But you
can’t hold it against Pete that he thinks his department should lead the
organization. It is one of the great traditions of corporate America
that every department thinks it should lead the
organization.
Ask
marketing:
“The
company should be a marketing-led organization because our image as
defined and put forward in marketing must be consistent with our
day-to-day inner workings,” says Malcolm from Marketing. “Marketing sets
the tone for the entire organization. As we market, so we function.”
Ah, but
sales begs to differ:
“The
company should be a sales-led organization,” says Stanley from sales.
“Sales makes our money.”
OK, so
salespeople aren’t very eloquent. But they do know about money, and that
brings us to finance, which thinks it should be running the show:
“The
company should be a finance-led organization because the financial
performance and integrity of the organization provides grist for the
mill, the seedling for the innovative garden and salt for the water in
our corporate ocean.”
Wait! Don’t
forget manufacturing operations!
“The
company should be an operations-led company because you know all those
things that we make that we always tell people about? Well, we’re the
ones who make them. So we get to be in charge.”
Every
department thinks it can lead the company. Well, except executive
management. They know better. They just keep wondering how much longer
they can hold out before people start noticing they have no idea what
they’re doing.
But in the
meantime, if all the other departments think they should be leading the
company, fine by me. Project management wants everyone obsessed with
process and deadlines? Let’s appoint them permanent and forever leaders
of the company. Within a week they’ll all be killed by the rest of the
employees, and then another department can have a turn.
Marketing!
You’re up!
“Now every
time you speak with an outside person about the company, we want you to
say, ‘The Company is committed to the principles of the betterment of
materials, product, excellence and people fulfillment throughout the
Earth.’ Just say that every time you meet someone!”
Oh look.
The marketing director’s just been taken out and shot. Next . . .
Anyone who
actually wants to lead your company should be disqualified from doing so
by definition, on the grounds that no sane person could actually want to
attempt corporate leadership.
But it
tends to follow that everyone thinks their own department is the most
important, and should therefore be leading everyone else. Why they think
such importance should be punished with such rigmarole is beyond me, but
go on with your bad self.
We’re about
to fit all employees with green eyeshades at our new “accounting-led
organization.” Pencil sharpeners for everyone!
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