Dan

Calabrese

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May 14, 2009

Christians Dig Hot Sex! And Classy Chicks Like Carrie Prejean

As we enter Day Whatever It Is of the Destroy Carrie Prejean Campaign, let me explain something about Christians – not the ones you hear about in Salon or on MSNBC, but real-life Christians.

First, it will shock you to know that Christians are strongly in favor of sex. I personally am in favor of as much of it as possible, especially for me. (Hang on, I’ll be right back. I bet my wife would like it if I did the dishes.)

If this seems like a silly thing to point out, I point it out nonetheless because there is an undercurrent of thinking (undercurrent – that’s a good word for it) that Christians are uptight, prudish Harriet Nelson-types who think married couples should sleep in twin beds. (Then again, where do you think Ricky and his brothers came from? Ozzie had skilz, brutha. Skilz!)

There may be some Christians who hate sex, just as many of you non-Christians hate it, but not because we think we’re supposed to. More likely than not, those who hate it do so because they’ve gone down a sexual path that is either dissatisfying, self-destructive, lacking intimacy or just plain boring. Or maybe you’ve pursued it in a way that makes you feel guilty, and that’s why you hate it.

But no Christian hates sex because he or she thinks God wants them to hate it. Are you kidding me? Sex rocks.

So when you lambaste Carrie Prejean for having posed for sexy pictures, let’s be honest. You don’t really have a moral objection to the pictures. You’d probably do it yourself if anyone would pay you enough. You’re attacking her because you think you’ve got her with the cheapest ploy in the book – hypocrisy.

“You Christians condemn the rest of us for having sex!” you say. “And yet your little beauty queen is going around flashing her assets to anyone and everyone who wants to look! Hypocrites!”

About that. Flashing one’s breasts for public consumption is not recommended, but neither is the amount of fettuccine alfredo I typically eat on a Friday night. God doesn’t have a category of sins that bother him less than others. He has, to be clear, a mass of people he created and loves, and he constantly offers us his grace because we need it. If Carrie Prejean posed for boob pictures, it’s for her and God to sort out.

The only reason you attack her for this is to invalidate her answer to a question she probably didn’t even want to be asked. It wasn’t Carrie Prejean who decided to make gay marriage an issue in the Miss USA contest, after all. It was the self-aggrandizing “judge,” gossip-monger Perez Hilton, who brought it up, then became apoplectic at her answer – going on the radio shortly thereafter to call her a bitch, and something else that starts with the next letter of the alphabet.

Dude (if that’s what you are), if you can’t handle someone voicing opposition to your pet cause, don’t go around asking. That’s how a man would handle things. Oh right, I forgot.

Instead, Ms. Prejean is forced to operate under a standard that says, because she is a Christian, mind you, any expression in support of traditional Christian morality automatically makes her a legitimate target for a media rectal exam into her private life. Has she posed for naughty pictures? Has she dropped an F-bomb? Oh my God, has she had sex?

“Hey! Don’t blame us for asking!” say the societal proctologists. “She’s the one who decided to make grand pronouncements of moral superiority! That’s how she made herself a legitimate target!”

Now you know the rules. Because the Perez Hiltons of the world do not advocate anything moral, there’s no sense looking into their private lives, because they’re incapable by definition of being hypocrites. Conversely, anyone who advocates a moral standard of any kind not only can, but must, be the subject of a veritable living autopsy to determine if they are stained by any imperfection whatsoever. And when one is found, as it inevitably will be, all moral advocacy will be hereby invalidated forever.

It’s perfect! High-stakes gambling is OK because Bill Bennett did it. Adultery is OK because Jimmy Swaggart did it. Robbing people blind? Jim Baaker! (Sorry, Chrysler bondholders.) And sexual deviancy of any kind? Look! There’s Carrie Prejean’s nipples!

Here’s a clue if you want it, which you probably don’t: Christians dig sex, the hotter the better, and make no claim to be perfect. What we do seek is a closer relationship to God, which means trying harder every day to love others and obey his perfect will. When we mess up, we confess and ask forgiveness.

When you mess up, Perez and friends, you point to us and say, “Look at them!”

I’ll stick with our way. As for Carrie, it appears she can take care of herself, which is because she has character and class – and her attackers have none, which is, after all, the reason they attack her in the first place.

© 2009 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

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