Cindy

Droog

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February 5, 2009

Management on the Importance of Management: Yay! We Matter!

I’ll confess. I love to make fun of management. The things they say. The way they look at people. The way they decorate their offices.

It’s a very bad habit. It should stop immediately.

But before it does, I just had to take a few shots at a recent report that came out about what top-level business leaders and business scholars came up with as their list of stretch goals for the future.

Before listing these challenges, though, they had a lengthy discussion on the importance of management. Which in and of itself, is funny. I think next week, I’ll organize a group of my coworkers to sit around and talk about the importance of cubicle dwellers. Then, when I get home, I’ll email my fellow moms and talk about the importance of moms.

I’d also like other women named Cindy to candidly discuss with me the importance of women named Cindy. Surely our views would be unbiased and ultra-valuable to women less fortunate than us. Like those named Jenny or Shelly.

I almost wish these managers had taken a 12-night taxpayer-paid trip to Las Vegas instead.

A few gems about the importance of management – from management’s perspective, mind you – include that it’s one of humankind’s most important social technologies. Really? Because if you’d have asked me what was one of humankind’s most important social technologies, I probably would have said computers. Phones. Language.

They also "decided" that the management model of most of today’s large organizations is seriously out of date. Yeah. I thought that 15 years ago when I entered the work force. So did most of Generation X. Who was invited to this meeting? Rumplestiltskin?

Another brilliant insight was that organizations should become more inspiring places to work. Now that’s deep. It definitely takes someone with real oak bookshelves and a window view to figure out that the rest of us brown-fabric-wall-folk might not be inspired on a minute-to-minute basis.

But back to the stretch goals. Where I work, we have a performance management tool called a "stretch goal," which is essentially management’s way of not giving you extra money in your annual bonus. They know the stretch goal should be called "the goal that’s unrealistic because of all the red tape here."

PS. We aren’t idiots. We also know that’s what it should be called.

Throughout this list of stretch goals, some made sense. Others were stupid. Most contained phrases I am outright sick of, such as:

Process. They felt a process that reflects the interdependence of our stakeholders was needed. Newsflash: Meat is processed. You are over-processed. Your workforce is over-processed. If you give me another "process" to learn, I’m going to jump out of that window in your office.

"Valuing divergence." You can’t force people to value something. Either they do or they don’t. How about letting diverters make an important decision? Forgiving them if they make a mistake? "Value" is lip service. It’s why companies start letters with, "Dear valued customer." In other words, "What was your name again?"

"Increase trust." Apologies to Stephen Covey, but I’m tired of reading that business and trust go together. Or brands and trust. It’s taking things a little too far. I trust my mother. I trust people who’ve weathered a storm with me. Who’ve kept secrets. Who’ve proven over and over again that they deserve trust and won’t abuse it. I might like you. Enjoy your products. Recommend you. But I’ll keep trust to my inner circle – thank you very much.

"Retool." I’ve no idea why this word is so popular in business. Clearly, these fogies don’t know that "tool" is now a popular expression for an idiot. So, every time I hear a business is retooling, I laugh. Really loud. You’re shifting the idiots? Great. That gives me hope.

To the group’s credit, they did call these stretch goals. And they know just as well as I do what that phrase means: They’ll never happen.

The only difference is these folks will still get their bonuses.

© 2009 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

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