Cindy

Droog

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January 29, 2009

Press Release Pap: Being Plastic Wrap in a Blizzard Gives You Pleasure?

Apparently, all people quoted in press releases need to get a grip on what is important in life. These people are “pleased” with everything.

In the spirit of transparency, you should know that I spent years working in media relations, and I’ve written my share of manufactured quotes starting with the phrase, “I am pleased to announce . . .”

But lately, everyone is pleased. Or honored. Or excited. And I’m just feeling a little chilly and a lot annoyed.

In fact, I’d really love it if someone wrote an honest press release about what it’s like to forge a partnership with another company. Let’s say, for the sake of example, that it’s one that involves a team sponsorship.

Instead of sending “Arguvent Company Inks Deal with Coleman Crushers,” and everybody in the release talking about how “honored” they are, and what a “great fit” this is for both parties, I would kill to read something like this instead:

Arguvent Company Survives Sponsorship Negotation – Doubts ROI Will Be Proven

Says Arguvent CEO Junior Beckinsworth, “I can’t believe I lived through the endless arbitration and back-and-forth mumbo-jumbo between our two legal departments before we could sign this sponsorship deal.”

Libby Lewis, general manager for the Crushers, agreed. “They kept pushing us on the amount of Jumbo-Tron time they would get during each intermission, and even though we know watching two minutes of their footage is going to be a total turn-off to our fans, we desperately need this money to stay afloat.”

Arguvent is tasking its entire Analytics Department with crunching the numbers just so, so that justification for this new deal can be presented to its Board of Directors.

“It’s going to take a lot of creative math,” said Charlene Biph, analytics department manager, “but we’ve got all of our top people working on this instead of managing our accounts in the Bahamas.”

I’d also like these press releases to simply stop stating the obvious.

One of my favorite lines in similar “news” stories always comes from a marketing person, and usually goes a little something like this: “The Crushers fan base fits the type of consumer we are trying to reach.”

Really? And here, all this time, I thought Arguvent was sponsoring The Crushers because the CEO’s son got cut from the squad; he and the coach had a huge fight; and the multi-million dollar contract was signed as a gesture of peace and goodwill.

Most of these statements simply make me say, “Duh,” which I once defined to an Italian friend who didn’t speak much English as a phrase meaning, “But of course! How could I be so stupid?”

Other “duh” phrases in press releases that could be stated much more honestly include:

• For contests involving ads, videos and other user-generated content: “We’d like to encourage our customers and the public to express themselves creatively as individuals.” Translation: “We are praying for a good idea. Just one. We’re out of them.”
• For the oh-so-newsworthy-announcements about company’s new ad campaigns: “We feel this embraces our heritage and tells our story.” Translation: “We’ve lost some of our loyal customers and we want them back! Wah!”

In other words, say or do something real. Please!

Which brings us to a tip for the actual press conference as well. Try including some people who will be impacted by your news – besides you. A team sponsorship? Ask a fan to speak, even if she does wear dangly plastic logo earrings and a replica jersey from 1980.

A donation to a non-profit? Have the formerly homeless family who will now have a place to hang their coats say a few words. Even if they’re not scripted.

After all, throwing out corporate-speak and expecting it to stick is like the time I put plastic wrap over my broken car window during a blizzard. It didn’t last the 10-minute trip to work. Not to mention, I felt nothing but abused by the wind, wet, and cold. And that, my corporate friends, is probably you. Plastic wrap in a blizzard. Brrrr!

© 2009 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

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