July 29, 2009

Sarah Palin: The Future Former President

Nobody thought this moment would ever come. At noon, on January 20, 2013, Sarah Palin was having the last laugh. At that moment, she was raising her right hand to be sworn in as the 45th president of the United States.

In retrospect, no one should have been so surprised when she rolled over the incumbent Barack Obama.

And why not? The country was still burning in economic Hell. For some reason, the voters were no longer inspired with his campaign slogan, "Hey, I inherited this!"

The experts were all over cable TV debating whether this was a recession with 10 percent unemployment or a depression with 100 percent malaise. Joe the Plumber was a regular, discussing what he would do to get us out of the financial toilet.

By far the largest voting bloc in the United States turned against Obama – those who had no health insurance, which was everyone but government workers. Only the wealthiest could afford medical care at hospitals like "Gated Community General.”

Reform efforts had collapsed when Republicans controlled the message. It was easy. They only had to remember one word: "Socialist”.

On the other side, Democrats were busy shouting two words. At each other. It doesn't matter what those same two words were, the point is they symbolized the chaos inherent in being a Democrats.

Sarah Palin easily stepped in to fill the vacuum – once she filled the vacuum in her knowledge of public affairs. She had maintained name recognition as co-host of The Jerry Springer Show. Her most brilliant accomplishment was the assembling of a staff that had only one requirement: No one could have worked for John McCain.

They all hooked up with Mitt Romney and Bobby Jindal and immediately started anonymously bad-mouthing their candidates in the press. It's not like either was all the exciting. In fact, some considered running commercials featuring the two of them as alternatives to Ambien.

Meanwhile, Palin convinced Mr. Excitement to join her crusade. Newt Gingrich jumped at the chance to join the ticket as vice president once she promised he'd really be in charge of the administration – he would be Dick Cheney to her George W. Bush.

Gingrich was the campaign's Mr. Nasty. He called every opponent a "racist". It worked.

Already President-elect Palin had filled key positions in her administration. Todd would continue his traditional role of chief of staff, a job he'd gotten by sleeping with the boss (Sarah, not Newt).

In the transition, Palin had already nominated an Attorney General . . . Fox News host Greta Van Susteren. Van Susteren was a lawyer, of course, but this was also a reward for years of unwavering support. Van Susteren immediately appointed Nancy Grace the Deputy A-G.

Van Susteren's husband, John Coale, would continue to operate the Palin Legal Defense Fund which, by now, was valued in the billions. She proposed making this a cabinet position. Adversaries immediately charged that by doing so she violated ethics laws, and they filed a lawsuit.

Press Secretary Sean Hannity announced that following the inauguration, the new president would skin a moose. Then she would make her first venture into foreign policy by tangling with the Russian Bear. She would then call the Russian leader, Vladimir Putin, to chat about how she used to watch him in the old neighborhood.

It was a glorious day: Comfortably warm, by Alaska standards. A nervous Chief Justice Roberts got all the words right this time as he administered the oath.

In tent cities around the nation, Americans gathered to watch on giant TV screens brought in because their sets had been repossessed. The United States celebrated its first female president.

In her inaugural address, President Palin insisted that the chief executive should represent not just the women of the nation but "all those guys out there who think I'm hot."

Then, effectively immediately: She quit.