Bob

Batz

Read Bob's bio and previous columns

October 13, 2008

The Many Things I Lose

There are two types of people in the world. The lucky ones. And me.

I get no breaks in life.

Awhile back I read a newspaper story about a man who plunged 5,000 feet after he jumped from an airplane and his parachute didn’t open. He lived to talk about it.

A few years ago I jumped over a two-foot-high fence in my backyard and broke my ankle in something like 34 places.

See what I mean?

And then there was the story I read about an Illinois man whose fiancée lost the diamond ring he’d given her and it was found 35 years later by some construction workers who returned the ring to its original owner.

Nobody’s ever found anything I have lost. I mean, when I lose something it stays lost.

I’ll never forget the first time I lost a wallet.

You always hear stories about guys who lose their wallets and a week or two later they go to their mailboxes and their wallets are there along with notes that say “I found your wallet and I am returning it.” Or something like that.

Then the person who has been reunited with his wallet puts a little notice in the local newspaper that says “I’d like to thank the lovely, kind, generous and honest person who returned my wallet to me.”

Well, after I lost my wallet I waited around for someone to find it and mail it to me. A week later, I found this note in my mailbox:

Dear Sir: I found your wallet. I was going to return it to you, but after thinking it over I decided to keep the $3 that was inside.

“I also decided to keep your credit cards, driver’s license and other papers. I was going to return your empty wallet, but then I got to thinking, why the hell should I return your wallet when I kept your money, credit cards and papers? That’s when I decided to keep the billfold, too. Tough luck, buddy!”

When it comes to losing things, I don’t lose silly things, I lose good things.

In the last 15 years, I’ve lost five wallets, eight sets of car keys, five sets of house and garage keys, an umbrella, three raincoats, a dictionary and four sets of cufflinks.

It’s getting so bad that last Christmas Sally bought me a new pair of gloves and two days later she pinned them to the sleeves of my coat.

I used to place advertisements frequently in the lost and found section of the local newspaper, but it got to the point where I was losing so many things, I decided to place just a general ad in the newspaper that would be there every day.

The message in the ad is, “If you have found anything today, it’s probably mine,” followed by my telephone number. 

Contact Bob at bbatz@woh.rr.com  

© 2008 North Star Writers Group. May not be republished without permission.

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