Paul
Ibrahim
Read Paul's bio and previous columns
July 28, 2008
The Untold Story: Barack Obama’s Trip Abroad
One would think that
the non-stop media coverage of Savior Barack Obama’s recent travels
would have been sufficient to relay all of the trip’s events to those of
us stuck within the bitter confines of America’s borders. Few know that
some meetings, however, were closed to the media and the public. And
although we might never find out what precisely took place behind those
closed doors, we can at least take an educated guess.
Afghanistan: Obama meets
with President Hamid Karzai, who asserts his need for additional U.S.
troops to help fight off the resurgence of extremists. Obama agrees,
saying, “I plan to do just that, Ham-Ham. If elected I would send two
brigades as soon as I figure out who in the Pentagon I should talk to
about that.”
Karzai, somewhat
puzzled: “John McCain said he would send three brigades. I thought you
were the candidate pretending to care about us more?” Obama, taken
aback, responds: “I have the audacity to hope that two brigades will do
the job. Do you, sir? Do you?”
Kuwait: Sheikh
Sabah al-Ahmad al-Sabah receives Obama, who immediately begins to
explain that in order to reshape America’s foreign policy, he won’t be
able to be as close to Gulf Arab leadership as that sellout Bush was.
The Sheikh, surprised, insists: “What if we build a new wing for your
wife’s hospital?”
Obama: “That’s very
generous of you, but I’ve already put in an earmark in Congress to do
just that.” The emir, panicked, yells:
“I-can’t-believe-you-why-are-you-like-that-how-can-you-abandon-us and go
drill for your own oil like that? You know what that would do to our oil
exports?”
Obama: “Drill for our
own oil? Who said anything about drilling? I would never do that. I’m
just saying that I’ll be making speeches demonstrating that I’m not in
cahoots with you.”
Emir: “Oh. Then what
the hell are you still doing here? Go campaign and win!”
Iraq: Obama sits down with Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki. Obama happily opens,
“I’m very happy that we both agree that U.S. troops should be withdrawn
from Iraq.”
“Yes,” replies
al-Maliki, “as soon as we’re ready to run our country and handle its
security, it would certainly be a good time for U.S. troops to
withdraw.”
Obama: “And I’m glad
you’ll be doing that in 16 months . . . right?”
Al-Maliki, still
nodding from his previous statement, slowly stops. Awkward pause. About
10 seconds later, he asks: “Wait, so you mean take a third world country
of 30 million people sown with thousands of Al-Qaeda and Iranian
operatives, and just now recovering from the brink of an all-out civil
war, and transform it into a secure and stable country in 16 months?
Surely you didn’t mean that because that would be asinine.”
Obama: “Oh. Well, let
me just say I’m glad that we agree about U.S. troops withdrawing at
some point. You stay here, I’ll go tell the media we’re on the same
page.”
Israel: Obama meets with Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, and immediately launches
into a tirade about Bush having been an awful calamity for the world.
“But he’s actually been
pretty good for us,” Olmert responds.
Obama: “Well, I’ll
change it even for the better.”
Olmert, skeptically:
“Uh-huh. By the way, how’s Jeremiah Wright doing?”
Obama: “I don’t know, I
disowned him.”
Olmert: “How about
Michael Pfelger?”
Obama: “Disowned.”
Olmert: “Joe
Lieberman?”
Obama: “Disowned.”
Olmert: “That was a
trick question.”
Germany: Obama meets with Chancellor Angela Merkel, opening, “Angie sweetie,
don’t worry, I’ve been opposed to the Iraq War from the start too, so
high five!”
Merkel, looking at
Obama’s waiting hand, asks him, “You do realize I was happy with the
invasion, right?”
Obama: “But what was
the big fuss about Old Europe being virulently anti-war and anti-Bush?”
Merkel: “That was the
guy before me. And by the way, you’re not speaking at the Brandenburg
Gate.”
France: President Nicolas Sarkozy welcomes Obama with open arms. A grateful
Obama says, “Merci beaucoup for having me, I am surprised that a foreign
leader would give such a welcome to an American politician, despite the
exceedingly terrible image that America must have in the world today.”
A surprised Sarkozy
replies, “But I love America! She’s one of our best allies and a beacon
of light for the world!”
A confused Obama asks,
“But, but, you’re a foreign leader, and this is a foreign country, how
do you not see America as the great devil?”
“I don’t know what
you’re talking about Barack,” Sarkozy replies. “Most American allies
have actually elected pro-American conservative leaders in recent years,
such as France, Germany, Mexico, Colombia and others.”
Obama: “But . . . how
am I supposed to repair America’s image abroad if it ain’t broken?”
And so ended Obama’s
great journey around the world. Was it a fact-finding trip? Supposedly.
Did he learn any facts? We have the audacity to hope so, but just as
much audacity to doubt it.
© 2008 North Star
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