North Star Writers Group

Breaking News: Members of Al Qaeda reportedly hijacked a trailer bearing the Target logo. The interrupted Middle Eastern murmurings caught on a local frequency initially sparked the beginnings of panic. However, when authorities realized that not so much as a SuperSoaker was stolen, much less a nuclear warhead, they were, more than anything, quite baffled. The most prevalent theory buzzing among the officials was that the terrorists mistook the unmistakable red target on the side of the truck as divine aid, guiding them toward the truck they were to intercept.

As it turned out, no one had any idea how serious the situation actually was. The truck was full of no less than 1,000 Tickle Me Elmo Dolls.

It has now become perfectly clear that the United States completely underestimated its enemy.

While Target executives assured the American public that they were, “fortunately, in such a position to withstand the financial hit,” most political strategists predict that the magnitude of the parental backlash could be gargantuan.

“They got us where it hurts the most,” reported a teary-eyed Al Gore. “Surely, those silly little toys would have made our final 10 years on Earth a lot more enjoyable.”

Perhaps President Bush most effectively captured the severity of the situation, saying, “This is not a tragedy. This is an outrage.”

Vice President Cheney tried to explain, assuring the public that, “the president developed a bit of a soft spot for those creepy little things ever since they emerged a decade ago.”

Defense Secretary Rumsfeld blamed the fact that the threat level was merely at level orange, adding, “Why can’t we just keep it at red all the time?”

As usual, there is no shortage of conspiracy theories. John Kerry was, quite naturally, the first to suggest, “The President is obviously behind this, once again using fear tactics to boost Republican poll numbers right before the mid-term elections.”

Kerry is correct to understand that, amid the melee, there is clearly an upside for the president. It seems that he’ll finally be receiving bipartisan support for the Iraqi War. One leading economist astutely noted, “As far as I’ve heard, parents will, quite literally, do anything to get their hands on a Tickle Me Elmo. There have been more than a few knife fights between angry mothers at retail outlets across the country over these dolls. It will be very interesting to see how the economy reacts to the sharp increase in military registration from both mothers and fathers across the country.”

One thing seems clear. The only substantial demographic in America that will get any sleep until the cackling red balls of fuzz are secured will be the children. A 12-year-old boy from Oklahoma suggested to a local reporter, “I’m pretty sure Mom cares about the Elmo Doll more than my little brother does. She’s been running around like crazy ever since she saw it on that girly morning show, The View, or at least I think that’s what it’s called. So what’s all this about a war?”

An 11-year-old girl from Michigan claims, “I haven’t seen my Mom so upset since Edwards lost the 2004 presidential election.”

Oddly enough, the creators of the seemingly unattainable doll admitted, “More than anything, we’re quite flattered. Clearly, the unquenchable desire to be delighted knows no racial or religious barriers.”

When asked how he would respond, President Bush issued the following statement. “Punishment will be swift and severe, but before we take any military action, America must take time to grieve. For God’s sake, I’m the President of the United States and now I might never get my hands on one of those things.” Cheney was apparently caught rolling his eyes.

America has been through a lot in recent years – war, terrorism, scandals, American Idol – but nothing approaching the trauma of losing such a quantity of, perhaps, the most cherished merchandise in history. Politicians may squabble, stumble and scramble for a piece of the action, but as always, it is up to the American people to reassess what we deem important.

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This is Column # NS25. Request permission to publish here.