North Star Writers Group

I want to take a moment to thank a wide variety of politicians for recently providing some very handsome entertainment, even though we may be coming to a point when it's in everyone's best interests for them to grab something to eat and relax.

For those who have been vacationing on Neptune for the last few weeks, John Murtha, a politician who is respected by both the GOP and the less grand and more youthful party, spoke discouragingly about the current U.S. operation in Iraq.

“We cannot continue on the present course. It is evident that continued military action in Iraq is not in the best interests of the United States of America, the Iraqi people or the Persian Gulf region.” He proceeded to suggest that the U.S. withdraw its troops over a period of the next six months.

Both parties were stunned. Outrage has since ensued. If only I were selling tissues on the House floor.

Kay Granger deemed Murtha’s suggestion “reprehensible and irresponsible.” Granger is an apparent devotee of legendary Seinfeld lawyer Jackie Chiles, as he continued, “It shows the [less grand and more youthful party] has chosen a policy of retreat and defeatism.”

“They want us to retreat,” lashed House Speaker Dennis Hastert. “They want us to wave the white flag of surrender to the terrorists of the world!” He reportedly continued under his breath, “They want us to wrap our country in a giant bow and ship it to Iraqi headquarters. They want us to stop playing baseball. They want—” ::violent sobbing::

Much hullabaloo was made of Murtha’s comments and the rapidly emerging support for U.S. troop withdrawal, so the GOP responded by putting it to a vote.

When asked, “Who thinks we should leave now?” no less than 3 out of 406 politicians responded with a boisterous “aye.”

“I rest my case,” thought Hastert, inserting four fingers of his right hand beneath his jeans. The less grand and more youthful party was none too pleased.

Nancy Pelosi, the Democrats' leader in the House, decried the vote as “a disgrace,” and “the rankest of politics and the absence of any sense of shame.” How dare those GOPers make a point! How disgraceful! How rank! How shameless!

“You guys are pathetic! Pathetic!” screamed Marty Meehan of Massachusetts, and though the chronology would indicate his tantrum was in response to the vote, rumors are circulating that Dennis stole Marty’s favorite action figure while Marty was gone with the bathroom pass.

“It’s just heinous,” added Ellen Tauscher, in response to either the vote or Hastert’s bullying.

John Kerry chimed in: “I won’t stand for the swift-boating of John Murtha.” No one is quite sure if he ever sat down, or if he apologized for his baffling conjugation of the former noun, ‘swift-boat.’ Some might argue that Kerry was more than slightly bitter, and thus excused for his badly misshapen comparison. Others would say he needs to move on and reconsider his vocabulary.

Some of these quotes are tiring just to read. One could only imagine that their inventors are exhausted.

Though it would unfortunately detract from our entertainment, it would benefit our country if all of these politicians got together on a Saturday afternoon in the White House backyard, barbecued some chicken, drank lots of alcohol, and gave a more asserted effort to something that is, although increasingly difficult, especially important at a time when our country is at war both internally and externally – calming down.

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