North Star Writers Group

The stock market has almost fully recovered from its abrupt decline two weeks ago, which leads me to the obvious conclusion that my faithful readers strictly adopted my financial advice. There is really no need to thank me. But you’re all welcome, in any case.

Extra change in your pocket always feels pretty good. But now is not the time to celebrate. Now is the time to invest. Here are some ideas.

1. Buy a guitar, start a band, and go platinum. As Office Space’s Michael Bolton taught us, even a no talent assclown can win Grammies. Take the Dixie Chicks, for example. The words obnoxious and unlistenable come to mind, but so do words like Ferrari and thousand-dollar pizza.

My wife recently began learning the guitar. I told her that a lady from my church has offered me free organ lessons, as an example of acceptable forms of cheap music education, to which she responded, “I want to rock, and old ladies at church aren’t going to teach me how to rock, OK?” It took me off guard at first, but the truth is, she made an excellent point. I’m considering quitting my day job so I can fully invest myself in her one-way trip to platinum status. It’s so simple, it’s brilliant.

2. I came up with this next idea a long time ago, and the results speak for themselves. Invest your money in an absolute beater of a vehicle. You can find one for a few hundred dollars with a very small amount of effort. Next, move to either New Jersey or Seattle. This part of the plan requires a bit more of a commitment, but trust me, the rewards you reap will far outweigh the costs. At this point, all you have to do is drive around. Trust me, you will get crashed into, and as long as you are not from New Jersey or Seattle, it will not be your fault. Avoid the freeways, of course, unless you like the idea of paralysis or tube-feeding.

I’ve earned thousands of dollars adhering to these simple steps. I swear to you this is true, and I’ve never once spent one penny of the newfound wealth on my beater car. If your car is undriveable as a result, you will make even more money. In certain areas of our country, an accident is inevitable. Realizing this is half the battle, and the second half is conjuring the guts to commit to the steps necessary for financial advantage. I realize this sounds a tad risky, but the truth of the matter is, you are far more likely to get in a painless accident than a fatal one.

3. A very lucrative market these days is self-help literature. You’d be amazed how easy it is to convince people to take your word for it, even if it doesn’t make one ounce of logical sense. There are two key principles.

First, you need a catchy title. It has to create the illusion of profundity, but don’t get too wrapped up in actually being profound. I recommend including a number. Something quantifiable logically suggests that your advice will achieve results without too much of a time commitment. Try something like, 7 Keys to a Blissful Life, or perhaps, 6 Steps to Achieving Your Dreams.

Now writing the book is a bit more difficult, but not as difficult as you may think. The trick is in convincing people that, even though whatever crappy situation in which they currently find themselves is definitely not their fault, getting out of it will require more fiber in your diet, or more books by you.

A book on tape is even better. What makes this a great option is that people will absolutely zone out while listening. During the vast majority of the book, you can share charming anecdotes about childhood pets, or little league, but the trick is, every 10 minutes or so, to grab the audience’s attention with something like, “If I believe in myself, I’ve accomplished the hardest part.” It sounds stupid, I know. But you’ll be astonished at the results.

Some people assume that the only ways to make a quick buck is to start a reality TV show, a website or get into real estate. But there are tons of opportunities out there, and many of them require very little effort.

If you have enjoyed my three keys to financial freedom, check out my website. On it, you’ll discover more surprisingly simple tips to financial freedom. I’ve also written several books, all of which are available on audiotape. Please contact me if you’re interested.

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This is Column # NS49. Request permission to publish here.