North Star Writers Group

In football, you get docked yardage for breaking the rules. In baseball, you give up a free base. In basketball, you give up a chance for free, painless points.

The National Hockey League is different. The NHL has a penalty box. It’s a lot like sitting in the corner. It’s a chance to calm down and reflect on the error of your ways. What’s missing is a mandated apology once a player has thought about what he’s done for exactly two minutes.

I’ve always found it a little odd to watch toothless giants gliding slowly, heads downcast, towards the penalty box, escorted confidently by a five-foot-eight, 150-pound referee.

I really like hockey, which means I’m probably about 20 percent responsible for the two to three nightly highlights on SportsCenter. These highlights are the only reminders people get these days that, believe it or not, the NHL is no longer on strike. This was, of course, until the New York Islanders’ Chris Simon tried to decapitate Ryan Hollweg of the New York Rangers with his stick. That got some press. (Let’s hear it for the media).

Simon got a little more than the usual two minutes in the corner. He’s going to have at least until September to think about what he did.

Simon issued an official statement on Saturday. “I want to apologize to my team and Islanders fans everywhere . . . I also want to apologize to the National Hockey League for the damage I have caused this great game of ours.”

What is an apology, anyway? It’s different than saying “sorry,” which is an expression of sorrow, and comes from the Western Germanic word, “sairaz,” meaning pain. (From now on, when someone says they’re sorry, you’ll know to say, “That’s nice. Now where’s my bleepin’ apology?”)

The word apologize comes from the Greek word, “apologia,” which actually means to defend or make a case for yourself. This is where the theological term “apologetics” comes from. Around the middle of the 16^th Century, it took on the meaning of a sincere expression of regret for having screwed up. This is how we arrived at our current definition of apology.

I wonder what would have happened if Chris Simon didn’t apologize. What if he simply drove home to enjoy his extended off-season? It would have been pandemonium!

Imagine the headlines.

STILL NO SIGNS OF CONTRITION

SIMON NOT SORRY

IS CHRIS SIMON HUMAN?

But I can’t understand why it is so important to us that every wrong be publicly admitted. What’s the difference?

An apology is a way of making a case for oneself – not a defense of an action – but an attempt to convince another party that the perpetrator truly understands his mistake. An effective apology includes both understanding and remorse. The importance of showing remorse is that it seems to show decreased odds of the same mistake being made again. The desired effect of an apology is to give whoever was wronged hope or peace of mind. A successful apology will increase the chances of sympathy. In court, a successful apology will soften the jury and decrease the severity of a sentence. It’s strange, isn’t it? Two people commit the exact same crime in the exact same way and the nature of their apology affects the judgment. Life is a lot easier for good actors.

I suggest that an apology is an insignificant blip on a person’s timeline that ought not matter. When we make mistakes, we lose trust, and meaningful trust cannot be regained through seemingly heartfelt words. The only thing that truly matters is a changed heart, and this has absolutely nothing to do with an apology.

The only difference Chris Simon’s apology makes is that he now has a chance of more quickly rebuilding his public image. Essentially, now he won’t be as hated by millions of people he doesn’t know. I find the whole idea of a public apology incredibly stupid. But in either case, hockey or relationships, an apology means nothing without a reformed life.

Mistakes yield consequences, such as a grown man being locked in a penalty box.

All of us make mistakes and trap ourselves for periods of time.

But in sports, no one cares about your apology. If you keep screwing up, your team will lose, no matter how sorry you may be, no matter how believable your apology. I think the sports world gets it right. What matters is that we strive and fight with ferocity and courage, gradually learning to live better lives with fewer mistakes.

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This is Column # NS47. Request permission to publish here.