North Star Writers Group

As we dwell on the precipice of the 21^st Century’s first American depression, it struck me that, as one of the country’s premier economists, I am obligated to both predict our economy’s future and offer financial advice.

But before I get into the nitty-gritties of the overwhelming world of finance, rest assured that I think we’re all going to be fine. Really. I read that somewhere too.

Moving on to the advice.

The first, most important thing to do is to stay calm.

Second, you need to stop going out so much. Those pre-work lattes and post-work cocktails have got to go. They say the average American watches only four hours of TV per day. Does anyone realize how much that means we’re missing? Instead of fulfilling this artificial need to “get out,” you’ll find that it’s much more economical to simply stay in. Perhaps you merely watch the late show. Consider watching the late late show. Perhaps you’re used to coming home to the six o’clock news. The truth is, the five o’clock news is just as exciting. Some say it’s even more current, although I’m honestly not quite sure what to make of that idea. Did you know that, with the right package, you can get access to as many as 2,500 channels?

“Yeah, but what’s the cable bill?” you say. I say your thinking is very short-sighted. The extra $40 you spend on your monthly cable bill will more than pay for itself with the hundreds you’ll save on what you’d normally spend by “getting out.” As I always say to my economist friends, you’ve got to spend money to make money.

Third, before I begin, I want to reiterate that this strategy need not be employed indefinitely, because, as I said, the economy will bounce back. But for the time being, we must do the best with what we have. Now that we’ve stopped going out so much, our focus must shift to economical grocery shopping. A chicken dinner at a restaurant – at least $12; the same thing made at home – around $6 with some interspersed bills for heating your oven and other petty electronic usages; no chicken at all – priceless. The same goes for produce. The fact of the matter is there are substantially cheaper foods out there. One of the things that we just have to accept is that financial health does not necessarily go hand-in-hand with physical health. This is OK. As my economist friends and I like to say, better to stuff your body with preservatives and processed food than to beg for the same thing later, albeit slightly used, street-side.

Fourth – and I say this with some degree of caution because I’ve heard more than one account of people who are just plain irresponsible – a while back a very smart person invented what we now refer to as the credit card. Essentially, it works like this. You sign whatever you have to sign in order to convince people with money to give you this small, flat, rectangular piece of magic plastic. Once they give it to you, and trust me, they always do, you can pretty much get whatever you want with it for nothing. I’m still investigating this one with my economist friends, because we all realize it sounds utterly nuts. But the fact of the matter is, it works. You may have heard it said that the best things in life are for free. Once I discovered the credit card, I said to myself, “Well Duh!”

You’ll be amazed how much money you’ll save by adhering to these four simple steps. I think the overarching philosophy is that, in the financial world, unconventional thinking is the key. One has to earn the right to get off the couch, or to eat healthy foods. No one simply starts out like that without a giant inheritance. But that’s what credit cards are for. That’s why an incredibly charitable soul invented the dollar menu. It’s for the up-and-comers who understand that the long road to financial freedom is lacquered with mindless entertainment, saturated fat and credit card debt.

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This is Column # NS46. Request permission to publish here.